Swing Shift Vol 2

We’re going to tackle 2 questions this week.  The first comes courtesy of Barney:

I have a friend who is interested in the lifestyle.. and he’s asked me a few times to join him, and present ourselves to the community as a couple….I’ve had threesomes before, with him, and with another couple.. and I’ve always enjoyed myself. I’m just wondering do you have boundary words? Signs? Say for instance you meet another couple, you’re into the other women, but Veronica isn’t into the man.. or vice versa… how do you go about letting said couple down..and letting your S.O. know?

Great question, Barney.  Veronica and I learned early on to have a code word or phrase.  Before I get into using that, you should understand that she and I never play with another couple on a first date.  We let the other couple know that our preference is to meet someone public for dinner and drinks, get to know them, and see if there is chemistry in-person.  By the time we get to a first date, we’ve usually chatted a few times on-line, and insist on the ladies talking on the phone, at least once.  So we think we like them.  But what if we’re wrong?  It would be really uncomfortable for me to say “Hey, great meeting you, can’t wait to get together again!” while Veronica is thinking “Oh good God no, what the hell is Hubman thinking?!”  Enter the code phrase.

Veronica and I have a great group of young ladies who babysit the kids for us and we’re 100% comfortable leaving the kids with any of them.  So if Veronica says “Excuse me, I need to call and check in with the sitter”, game over.  No matter how into the woman I am, Veronica has just let me know that she’s not into him.

Quick story about our first time using the code phrase.  It was our very first date once we decided to get into the lifestyle!  Our friend SwingerWife is the one who told us about the importance of having a code word, so we were prepared.  As the evening progressed, I was less and less interested in the woman, who had the personality of a lamppost.  Apparently Veronica had similar misgivings about him, because mid-way through the meal she invoked the code phrase.  Thank God, I thought I was going to have to do it myself!

Veronica: Actually the best part of that date was going to Dairy Queen afterward.  Mmmm Thin Mint Blizzard.

Sad, but true, Dairy Queen was the best part of that night…

So that’s how we deal with couples one of us isn’t into.  Obviously for some of you the “I need to call the sitter” line may not be appropriate, but really, the code word or phrase can be almost anything.  Just don’t use it by mistake!!

Thanks for the question Barney!

Our next topic also comes from Barney, as well as Dharma:

Barney said “The first time… was it hard to not get jealous watching another man or woman in Veronica’s case.. pleasure your spouse?”

Dharma said “I don’t know that this question would make Ann Landers blush and it’s not really etiquette, so Emily Post wouldn’t bother, but it’s on my mind today, so I figured I’d ask.

Do you think jealousy or territorial-ness (territorial-ness, really? Is that even a word?) a normal part of opening up a relationship, even a stable, secure, loving relationship? I’m wondering because I find myself glimpsing little flashes of the green-eyed monster in some of my initial, knee-jerk reactions to comments, possible scenarios/encounters and other flirtations, and I’m not a jealous or territorial person, so I’m a little taken aback. I’m not dwelling or stewing, I’m just observing these momentary flashes of feelings and telling myself that it is a perfectly normal part of doing anything new in a relationship, especially when it involves other people.

If you have found that initial sparks of jealousy are normal to those new to the “lifestyle,” how do you think it is best handled? In a relationship where full disclosure is a cherished expectation, does the occasionally jealous partner fully disclose these feelings, even if it is likely to inhibit the other partner, as well as future possibilities? Is it something that should be put on the back burner unless it becomes a larger issue for the partner feeling the uncomfortable emotion?  I guess the question is, should it be dealt with head-on, avoiding the potential for it to grow into something troublesome and possibly unmanageable, or should it be given a moment to pass, avoiding unnecessary discomfort for the partners as a couple?

To address Barney’s question first, our first two experiences were in separate rooms, so watching wasn’t an issue.  Interestingly, what I learned was that I like to watch Veronica with another man and not being able to do so was a mental distraction.  Now, we’re comfortable with either same or different room swap, but at the beginning my curiosity was so strong that being in a different room was difficult for me.  And let’s not even talk about her first time with another woman- I was in another state on a business trip, knowing full well what Veronica was up to at home that day.  She even tortured me with occasional text messages as Sarah introduced her to the joys of girl-girl sex.

But on to the topic of dealing with jealousy, and this time Veronica is going to take the lead addressing this:

Jealousy is a very real emotion and should not be ignored.  I think that while jealousy may creep up occasionally it can be managed.

The 1st way to deal with jealousy is one of our cardinal rules. NO COMPARING YOUR PLAYMATE TO YOUR PARTNER. EVER.  Of course if your playmate was terrible in bed, you can discuss it, but no comparisons.  Has Hubman had sex with women more attractive or bustier than me?  In my opinion, yes.  But you will never hear that from Hubman.

I am sure that the no comparison rule begs the question, “What if your playmate introduces you to something that rocks your world?  If you can’t compare, then what?”

You still don’t compare.  You can say, “Hey B and I tried this position that I would love to experience with you”. But that is about it.

Hubman: We’ve done this.  Veronica mentioned how a woman went down on her and did something no one had done before, which she liked.  So she told me about it.  I wasn’t offended- she learned something about what she likes and shared that with me.  It’s not an indictment of how I go down on her.

Another way to combat jealousy is to have boundaries that you have set together and are comfortable.  For example: In our case only Hubman is allowed in my ass.  It’s something special that we share.  If you and your partner want to keep certain acts, pet names, or phrases between the two of you make sure that you discuss it in advance and stick to it.

The most important way to combat jealousy is to have constant communication lines open.  If you only pick up one thing from reading this blog it should be that communication is extremely important.

If your partner is doing something with their playmate that makes you jealous or uneasy ask them to stop.  Have a gesture that means ‘cut it out’ that the two of you use if you think it will help.

It’s also most important to make sure your partner knows that no matter how much fun the other person is that they are the one that you love and want to spend your life with.  The primary relationship must always remain primary.

If you or your partner has a body image issue, than avoid people that have perfection in the area that you hate about yourself.    If your mummy tummy and stretch marks make you cringe, don’t have sex with a 22 year old hardbody with nary a wrinkle or stretchmark.  If your man feels that his cock is on the small side and is sensitive about it, don’t pick a couple with “monstercock10in” as their username.

Hubman: To a certain extent, I disagree with this.  Veronica has been with men better looking than me (IMHO), without the little spare tire that drives me crazy, and with bigger cocks (not just opinion…).  But at the end of the day, no matter how much she enjoys herself with another man, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m the one she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with.

What I was trying to say is, if all she’s looking for is very well endowed men, for example, that might become an issue.

Hubman: I guess the bottom line for me is that unless you’re 100% comfortable with seeing your partner being pleasured by someone else, tread cautiously if you’re thinking about getting into the lifestyle.  Little pangs of jealousy are fine- acknowledge them, either internally or to your partner, if need be, and move on.  If those feelings of jealousy persist, it’s time for a serious talk with your partner.  Share what is bothering you and recognize that you may need to establish boundaries where none existed before.

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Questions?  Thoughts?  Comments?  Don’t be shy, fire away!  If you’d rather e-mail me and remain anonymous to my readers (if I use your question for a future post), I can be reached at hubman38 at gmail dot com.

Next week, we’ll take on April’s question about men and unexpected performance issues.

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