Swing Shift Volume 10- Getting Started in the Lifestyle

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous emailed me last week with some questions about getting started in the lifestyle.  As always, I asked if it would be okay for me to reprint her e-mail message here and she was okay with that.

I noticed in your blog that you mentioned that you don’t mind answering questions about swinging. So, I’m hoping you (and Veronica) might want to offer a bit of advice about getting started?

My husband and I have been talking pretty seriously about exploring the possibilities of playing with another woman or another couple. (He’d prefer, at this point, a woman. I like the idea of another couple. We’re still talking.)

But, I guess our problem right now is that we don’t really know how to get started.

We’ve been checking out some online communities (including SwingerLifeStyle and SwapperNet, which you talked about in your blog – thanks!) and kind of just getting a feel for who and what is out there in our area. We’ve also talked about maybe attending a local party to sort of try things on for size. But, at this point, I have two main concerns: 1) This is a VERY small community that we live in and I have privacy/discretion concerns. 2) I am the kind of person who can be rather shy around new people. (My husband does not have this problem) so I’m kind of nervous about not knowing anyone and not really knowing what to expect either from a party or a date.

Anyway, I guess my question is, what would be your advice about the best way to “ease in” to playing with others? And do you have any advice about what to look for on another couple’s online profile that might help us find people we are most compatible with? Advice on things to avoid?

Gosh, I hope this is not overly rude to just throw all this at you. But, frankly, I don’t really know who else to ask these things. It would be great to have friends who were in the already lifestyle to kind of help guide us into it – or if you and Veronica lived in California!

Anyway, thanks for any insight or advice you both might want to share about where and how to start with all this.

Well, my anonymous friend, since Veronica and I do not live in CA and can’t personally help you out, we’ll do our best here   (Veronica: But if we’re out that way, we will let you know!)

As she mentioned, we’ve already written about swingers websites, click here if you missed it.  Another option for getting started is to see if there are any lifestyle clubs in your area.  These clubs are generally of two varieties- those that have space for play on-premises and those that do not.  Clubs that do not have play space on-site are basically dance clubs that cater to people in the lifestyle.  So-called on-premise clubs are sort of a combination of a dance club and a hotel party, in that there is an area where people are socializing and dancing and private, semi-private and not-private-at-all places to play.

The other option is a meet and greet party, usually held at a hotel or bar, and this is how we got started in the lifestyle.  A well-run party offers a low-pressure atmosphere that affords an opportunity to socialize and mingle with other like-minded individuals, flirt, engage in play with your partner, watch others play, and even swap with another couple if you’re so inclined.  We’ve been very happy with these parties and while the majority of people that we’ve played with we’ve met through websites, the friends we’ve made at parties have been invaluable mentors as we got involved in the lifestyle.

To address the questioners concerns about privacy and discretion, that is certainly something to consider.  For us, we do not have identifiable pictures in the public sections of our online profiles.  In fact, most of our pictures are old HNT pictures!  Face pictures are saved for the private galleries and we only grant access to people who have done the same for us.

(Veronica: There is almost an ‘honor amongst thieves’ going on in the lifestyle.  Let’s say you went to a party and saw your child’s teacher on her knees with a cock in each hand and one in her mouth.  Who are you going to tell?  If you told someone, then you would have to admit you were there too.  You just need to be discreet with sharing photos.  Although even if someone you know shares pictures with you, who are they going to tell without outing themselves?  So I do not really worry about being discovered as a swinger.  I would worry more about someone linking me to my blog since I bitch about work and post nekkid pictures of myself there.)

As far as finding a couple that you’re compatible with, as least with websites, this is where a well-written profile can be invaluable.  Do you have kids and would rather see others who do as well?  Look for that.  Are you unable to host at your home?  Look for someone who can.  For a first date social activity, do you prefer dinner and drinks at a restaurant, a night out at a club, or something outdoorsy or active?  Look for someone with similar interests.

(Veronica: And for the love of God, be honest on your profile.  If you are a woman you can get away with lying about your weight no more than 5-10 lbs in either direction, because of PMS.  And men, if you are short, just admit it on your profile.  You can lie about your weight, you can lie about your age,  but unless you are wearing shoes with lifts in them do not say you are 5’9″ when you are 5’7.  Us women can figure that out.)

Once we make contact with a couple, there are two things we insist one- the ladies speak on the phone before the first date [ideally, to set up the first date] and we want to see a face picture.  The first is because that yes, there are ‘couples’ out there that are not, unfortunately.  The second is because hey, it’s sport-fucking, we have every right to be shallow and insist on only fucking good looking people.  We’re good looking, or at least we’d like to thing so, and would only like to fuck other good looking people!

Lastly, for all the preparation and screening, it’s quite likely that you’ll have a date where the chemistry just is not there for you or your partner.  Veronica and I have had half a dozen or so dates that went nowhere.  Understand that it’s going to happen and have a strategy for discreetly communicating to your partner “I do NOT want to see these people again”.  If one of us says “Hey honey, you think we should call and check in with the sitter?”, that is our code phrase.  One of our etched-in-stone rules in no arguing if one of us invokes the code phrase.  Sure, an explanation after the date would be appreciated, but during the date is not the time.

(Veronica: As for being shy, I would not worry.  A lot of lifestyle people are extroverted and most of them are pretty friendly.  If you are worried about conversation you have an automatic topic right there.  You can tell them you are newbies and ask them how they got into the lifestyle and if they have any advice about clubs or websites.  If you are really desperate for conversation tell them you were thinking of taking a trip and had gotten some information on Desires or one of the Hedonism clubs.  This will get the conversation going!)

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As always, comments and questions are welcome, both on this post or if you have a suggestion for a future volume of Swing Shift.  If like this weeks questioner you prefer to remain anonymous, just e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com.

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