Swing Shift Volume 15- Fucking Friends and The Fallout

A few weeks ago a husband and wife who are regular readers e-mailed Veronica and I, asking for some advice.  We exchange the following messages, and with their approval I’m sharing those messages here and seeking your comments.

Hubman,

About a month ago we had our 1st swinging experience.  It was so fun and exciting.  We had wanted to explore for a long time and we decided that if something happened between us and our good friends it would be a good thing.  We know these guys real well, we always have fun going out and flirting, etc.  Our kids play together, in fact she is  probably my wifes best friend.

Things progressed thru the summer (skinny dipping, etc) and my wife and I felt that everyone was ready.  They are laid back and cool, funny, all the good things.  After putting the kids to bed we all went downstairs at the house we were renting and things got a little heated. Ok, a lot heated.  He actually started it by having his wife sit on my lap.  Mostly it was alot of kissing, my wife and him would go outside, and they would make out.  I would make out with his wife, but i kept it pretty basic as i didnt want to go too far the first night.  At the end of the night in bed my wife told me that she had gotten in his pants, he had got in hers, and they had a great time.  She was smoking hot and dripping wet, and we had one of the best sex sessions we have ever had.  We looked forward to more the next night.

The next night after the kids went to bed we did alot of the same, this time i was more comfortable with being more aggressive with his wife, getting in her pants and even licking her pussy out on the patio in the darkness.  It was HOT!!!  We then went to her room, my wife went with him to ours, and had a great time.  I will never forget the feeling of hearing my wife getting fucked in the next room while I pounded her friend in our room.  I figured seperate rooms for the 1st time would be ok since everyone was a little nervous.  Neither guy wore a condom (no worries there).  The most exciting thing was making love to my wife afterwards (she showered).  In fact, our sex life has been un-fucking believable since our first swinging foray!!!

The problem arouse the next morning.  Her husband immediately changed his attitude.  No more carefree attitude.  He wanted to talk with my wife (and did so for 45 mins) about the prior night.  He basically told her that he loved having sex with her and requested that what happened between them stayed between them.  She told him that this was not how it worked.  He told her that he wanted to fuck her again (and again) but that he was not going to let me “watch him have sex”.  She told him that it was a couples thing and that we had assumed he would be comfortable with same room swapping.   Since we were going home that day we let it be and went our seperate ways.

His wife, my wife and I are all on the same page, keep it fun, no drama, lets explore.  He wants only a repeat of the first time, no same room stuff.  It surprises me so much because he is a friend and has a very open spirit about him (or so i thought).  We swung once more (about 2 weeks later) at his house and it was not as much fun with all these limits.  On top of that, hes sort of moody and clingy now to my wife (emails, complaining to his wife).  This has turned my wife off to swinging with them again, and me too to tell you the truth.  This all seemed like it would work out so good, what do we do???  Man, maybe we should have never played with friends, but there were no STD worries and everyone was such good friends……

Now everyone is all upset.  We met and talked but it went no where.  Since then we have backed off (even when they invited us to there house to play when the kids were gone).  We love what swinging has done for our sex life, we still love them as friends, but he is making everyone feel uncomfortable.  What should we do???

Veronica and I talked over the situation and replied with the following message:

Thanks for sharing this story with us, and looking to us for advice.  I’m not so sure that we’re qualified to give any advice, but here are my thoughts anyway:

First of all, congratulations on entering the lifestyle! Even though later encounters haven’t worked out so well with this couple, it certainly seems like the first swap went well and that it’s had a positive affect on your sex life with your wife.

I think a lot of what happened comes down to communication (and lack of..) and expectations.  We’re assuming that this was a first swap for your friends as well.  Is that correct?

You said that when the beach trip with them came up that you and your wife felt that everyone was ready.  But did either of you ever talk with them about it? Clearly, they were interested in swapping, but had different expectations than you, which lead to the future issues.  It seems to me that you and your wife were interested in a separate room swap the first time, with the idea of trying same-room some other time.  Am I correct?

I wonder if some of the problems can be attributed to swapping with friends.  As you mentioned, there was a level of comfort with them and none of you felt the need to use condoms, which must have been nice (I’m jealous- I’ve only ever fucked Veronica without a condom…), but at the same time, the relationship dynamics are different.  I wonder if the friendship might have made a frank conversation about desires and expectations more difficult.  When Veronica and I are getting to know a couple, part of that is talking about whether they prefer same- or separate-room swap, talking about safe sex practices, etc.  But in this case, I wonder if there might have been some hesitancy to have that conversation, which could have taken away from the spontaneity of the first swap.

You also mention that the other woman is on the same page as you and your wife.  That fact that he is not suggests that there might be a lack of communication or disagreement between them.  You might want to consider suggesting to them that if they want to continue swapping, it might be best if they had a clear understanding between the two of them as to just how they want to play.  You might even go so far as to say you won’t play with them again until they do.

As soon as the other man changed his attitude, that would have been the time to put a stop to playing with them and have that conversation about desires and expectations.  Maybe he’s just happy with separate-room swap and/or isn’t comfortable being naked, aroused and intimate in front of another man.  That’s all perfectly understandable.  And if you and your wife’s desires don’t match up with theirs anymore, perhaps it’s best to work on the friendship with them, tell them that while the swap was fun, you think it’s best for the sake of your friendship not to swap with them again.

Hope it works out for you and your wife, and please let us know if you have any follow up comments or questions.

They followed up with the following message:

Hubman,

Thanks for getting back to us, and for your sage advice.  I will try to answer your questions as you laid them out.

1.  Yes it was there first swap.  In fact, when they got married they had very very few sexual partners.  They got married in college.  No we did not directly talk about what we desired in swinging……that was a mistake.  I will blame it on “Grey Goose” and Sam Adams!!

2.  Yes, we did assume that they would be open to other kinds of situations, this is swinging after all.  Interestingly enough, while everyone was drinking the night before his wife suggested a 3 some.  So I think the closed door policy is only from the hubby.  Let me explain our same room swap thing as we saw how it could be.  A nice big comfortable room with the lights way down so everyone was comfortable in the same room.  In no way would I be the kind of guy to gawk at the sight of his cock in my wifes pussy while being inches from the action…….thats not me.  More of a “shadow” same room swap……sometimes not seeing every detail is sexy.

3.  The friend dynamic is (as we have found out) full of potholes.  We did not communicate well about expectations, I think we all just got excited at the possibilities and went for it.  In the perfect world everyone would be able to talk and be on the same page, but Im not sure its feasable for most sets of friends.  Too bad, because the comfort level to get started  with swinging was great.  It was only after the fucking that things got wierd.  The lack of concern about safe sex was really great too, we trust them completely about that.  The respect issue for my wife and the comfort level was what let her take that next step.  It remains to be seen how she would react with a couple we dont know as well personally.

4.  The friend “fuck buddy” situation is what we were looking for.  Once in a while fucking when everyone was on the same page, when the mood was right.  They seem to want to hook up more than we do, mostly because of our hesitance about the seperate room stuff.  My wife and I were talking last night and it is a little flattering that they are so hot for this to continue.  Not only the hubby, but the wife as well.  Side note, I love “Levitra”, man I made sure she was well taken care of both times I was with her!!!  “Are we that hot??” is something that we laugh about.  I told my wife that she has such a nice personality and is such a hot and considerate lover that this may be a problem if we plunge headlong into the lifestyle —–joke (sort of) with couples constantly hounding us for dates.  “Step away from the pussy” was her comment as we laughed.  I thought we should maybe change the movie “Something about Mary” to “Something about K———”!!

5.  Yes, there appears to be some proof that they are not communicating well.  I dont talk with the wife about swinging, but my wife does a bit with her.  Her husband and her have a hard time talking about the times we have been together.  I dont know if its new or a jealousy thing with him.  Their limited sexual experience may be a factor too.  This may be a bigger deal than I thought.

Hey, I hope I answered your questions.  I really appreciate your inputs guys.

Okay, dear readers, do you think our advice to them was any good?  Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?  What are your thoughts on making the transition from friends to friends with benefits?  Is it possible?  Why or why not.

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Veronica and I are still in Las Vegas [this was drafted and scheduled before we left], so I may not get a chance to reply to comments until Tuesday.  As always, your comments, questions and ideas for future Swing Shift columns are appreciated and if you wish to remain anonymous, just e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com and I’ll keep your identity between just you and me.

You can also find me at Hot Dads today as part of another round of “Ask the Hot Dads”.  And check out the cool badge that ZenMom made for me [she made custom ones for all the Hot Dads AND re-designed the site.  You should check it out].

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