Swing Shift Volume 22- Drugs and D/s

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Nov 302009
 

Before we address this weeks questions, I’d like to try something new.  I got a question from a loyal reader that could benefit for more than just our perspective.  She wrote the following:

How do you balance and/or separate your “everyday” life and your “swinger” life?

Obviously your non-swinging friends and family and co-workers don’t know about this other side of your life. And your swinging friends aren’t the ones you’d invite to a family barbecue with your folks. Or a playdate with the kids. Or would you? Do you ever feel like you are leading a double life? Do you keep the two areas compartmentalized? Or do they bleed over into each other?

I’m curious about how people might approach that aspect of discreet polyamory.

If any of you would like to share your experiences with keeping lifestyle and everyday life apart [or not] for inclusion in next weeks post, please e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com.  If you’d prefer to remain anonymous, just let me know, or else I’ll assume otherwise.

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This week is a two-for-one deal [just like me and Veronica.  hehehe]. First up is a question about drug use in the lifestyle:

Have you done a story about drugs/alcohol in the lifestyle? Perhaps you have some stories to tell? I’m very curious about that. I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s perhaps a little more prevalent than in the general population. Lowering inhibitions kind of comes with the territory if you know what I mean.

Veronica: To be honest, Hubman and I have not been to tons of different clubs and parties to really have a huge sample for comparison.  There were some people smoking pot at the 1st swinger party we every went to, but we could go to Hubman’s sister’s house and also find people smoking pot so I don’t take that as a lifestyle thing.  With the exception of the Jello shots served at our favorite party group, it’s usually BYOB, so if someone wants to over-indulge they certainly can, it just takes a little planning ahead.  Also for the men, if you drink to excess, you might have performance issues later so it is not in everyone’s best interest to drink.   In my experience the only drug I think is being used in any significant quantity is Viagra or its ilk. In my opinion It’s the only way I can think of that these guys age 50+ can get it up so easily for round 2.

Never mind for round 2, how about to start! On numerous occasions we’ve been at a party, people start ditching their clothes, and I notice a man who has not overtly starting playing with someone yet who is already hard with NO physical stimulation.  Or, they’re standing around after playing with someone, no clothes on, chatting with friends, and the man’s erection isn’t going down.  That just doesn’t seem natural to me and I do have to wonder if there was some pharmaceutical assistance going on…

Aside from the pot smoking that Veronica has already mentioned, I haven’t noticed any illegal drug use in the lifestyle.  As far as alcohol use, I don’t think there is any more than you’d find in a ‘vanilla’ gathering of adults.  Alcohol is a good social lubricant, as we all know, especially our host friends and their evil jello shots!  In fact, our preferred first date with a new couple is conversation and flirting over dinner and drinks.  Speaking of which, we have a first date on Saturday night!  Anyway…

Our second question comes from a reader with an interest in D/s:

You said you were running out of material for the Swing Shift and wanted questions, so I was wondering…do you come across many D/s couples in the lifestyle?

Veronica: We have not come across any D/s couples that we know of.  The feeling I get for our area of the world is Swingers are one group and D/s is another.  We did go to dinner with a couple once that did enjoy going to the fetish clubs in the area, but did not really get into if they go to observe or participate.  And Hubman and I have not gone to any of the fetish clubs to know what goes on there in terms of play (field trip Hubman?).  Most of the swinger profiles we read specifically state that they are not into pain.  And while I understand that pain is not the only or major part of a D/s relationship, I am assuming based on the amount of people who state that preference that they are not practicing a D/s relationship.

I really think that swingers and people into BDSM fall into 2 distinct groups, though I’m sure that there are exceptions.  Just for the hell of it, I looked at the profiles of the 8 couples in our inbox.  Five of the 8 couples specifically mentioned no pain, no humiliation, no BDSM or some similar variant in the “Things we dislike sexually” section. [Before someone slams me, I'm aware that there is a ton of variety under the umbrella term "BDSM".]  Then I checked out Fetlife, and the sign-up section doesn’t even have an option for couples.  It sure seems to me like swinging and D/s are mutually exclusive.

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What do you think, dear readers? Is drug and/or alcohol use more or less prevalent in the lifestyle? Do any of you know people who are swingers AND into D/s?  As always, thoughts and comments are most welcome, as are suggestions for future volumes of Swing Shift.  If you prefer to remain anonymous, just e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m really not looking forward to work this week.  Between holidays, a conference, and a day off for personal reasons, I didn’t work a 5-day week for the entire month of November.

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  • http://wherewegetoff.blogspot.com Dharma

    Well, I haven’t had a lot of experience in the social aspect of the lifestyle. I’d be more inclined to think that drug use was less common than more, but that’s because I’m surrounded by a pretty relaxed set of folks who aren’t opposed to recreational use of drugs, so I’m guessing drug use is more “acceptable” and usual for me than for others, and I pay close attention to the profiles we see on various sites and the strict statements about “D/D free,” etc…

    I agree with the “alcohol as social lubricant” concept, and think that we’d have a more difficult time relaxing and letting our guard down if we didn’t loosen up a bit with a couple drinks.

  • http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com Britni TheVadgeWig

    Master and I’s D/s relationship and our swinging are totally separate. D/s play requires such a level of trust between parties, and oftentimes, that doesn’t develop right away, if at all, among couples/people we play with. Plus, submission is something that I reserve only for Him. That is not something we share. When playing with another couple, He may tell me to do certain things, or I may ask excessive permission to do things, but the other couple is usually not aware that there’s a D/s dynamic between us and that’s why that’s happening. Most likely, they probably think we just communicate with each other a lot (which we do).

  • T

    Always an interesting read. Thanks for sharing Hubman.

    Have a great week and remember, there’ll be lots of time off at the end of the month!

  • http://rtws.blogspot.com Emmy

    I think what’s interesting to me is the number of people on AFF that indicate they play with aspects of BDSM. I find it interesting because that may be how the couple plays together, but not necessarily how they would play with another couple. As Britni points out, that’s a whole different level of trust. It’s also interesting because AFF actually has a different site if you are looking for that type of play – separate from the swinging site.

    And alcohol and pot seem to be very common out here. But, then again, we are where pot is considered a cash crop by many. I drink early on is not necessarily bad as social lubricant. Does it happen more or less in swinging? I’d say no. We drink a lot when my vanilla friends get together with us – and maybe a bit less with some of our swinging ones.

  • http://swingers-diaries.blogsot.com southern swinger

    Our playmates fit in nicely with our other friends. Three swing couples attended our daughter’s wedding. Several attended our anniversary. If we were ask about a house party we replied we were part of a traveling gourmet dinner group. To outsiders our swing friends were people we would likely be friends with.

  • Mike

    As you stated drinking in moderation is the normal at most parties and clubs we have attended. However many people will not play with someone who has over indulged that night. One reason is fear that the person will have remorse and cause drama. In our larger area pot is readily accepted but not other drugs. Our more local group has several military members or people who are civilian employees for the military and thus even pot use is frowned upon. The perception is that people on the harder drugs or people who over indulge with pot or alcohol regularly are more than likely to make some bad choices and then could spread diseases (perhaps not a bad perception).

    On the BDSM question there was a local group that sponsored an event (I believe it was a BBQ) that basically turned into a combined swingers/bdsm meet and greet. There was a writer there for the Seattle Stranger (I think that is where I read it) that commented on the differences in the two communities. There are people who participate in both and people in each that judge people in the other group. I do not remember all the details but do remember a bit on the differences in casual touching and voyeurism.

    On the future question we have started to identify as polyamorous swingers. As such we have taken on relationships that might resemble more traditional boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and not just swinging. With that dynamic and since our youngest kid is now in college and out of the house we have come out to our kids and some family members. They have met our more serious boyfriends/girlfriends and our kids have met some of our swing friends. In fact our daughter will occasionally turn up at the weekly karaoke meet and greet just to hang out. She is not interested in the lifestyle but has accepted its place in our life. However we do have some friends and coworkers that we know would judge us thus we keep it partly separated. It is not worth the pain to let everyone know (one of those chose your battles thing).

    Well now that I have jeopardized my lurker card by responding to two post in one day I will crawl back into my corner and watch. It fits my introverted personality better that way.

    Mike

   

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