Swing Shift Volume 24- Single Men in the Lifestyle

A faithful reader responded to my request for Swing Shift ideas on yesterday’s post, but asked to remain anonymous, so you’ll just have to guess who might have written the following:

So I’ve got this friend who is currently in a relationship. He has, for the entirety of the relationship and for the foreseeable future, cheated on her with many, many, many people (present company possibly included).  Anyway, the girlfriend really doesn’t know, or if she does, thinks it’s only been one or two people in the early part of their relationship. She is not down with sharing him. She also believes they will someday get married. He knows this will not happen.

So that’s the backstory. The real question is that he would prefer to be in an open relationship or swinging situation (easier than lying and cheating!). That’s what he wants for a marriage or long-term partnership. Being the helpful person I am, I’m wondering how he could possibly meet other like-minded people. Are the swinger websites welcoming to singles looking for other singles? Or is it more of a place for the already coupled? I doubt he’d go to a specialized club or event on his own, so the options are probably limited on that front. I can see him thriving in an open relationship, it’s just a matter of getting him into one first.

Thoughts?

Oh boy, I guess it’s time to direct readers to my Marriage and Infidelity post, which generated some rather heated discussion in the comments. [It kinda sucked to read those comments again, I feel like I lost a friend because of that post.]  Read the post and I think you’ll get an idea how I feel about this man’s intentions where his girlfriend and a possible future marriage are concerned.

More to the point for Swing Shift, the key question is, how does a single guy find a single woman who is interested in swinging as well?  Damned if I know!

Let’s first consider the sheer number disadvantage a guy is up against in the lifestyle.  I did a search on Swappernet first for single men within 25 miles of my zip code, ages 25-45, no other limits on the search and turned up 117 results.  Then, I repeated the search, looking for a woman and only turned up 17 results.  117/17, that’s a 7:1 single male to single female ratio.  Not exactly good odds.

Veronica: There are some ‘gangbang’ groups around here that look for single men, but I think that a guy would have better luck getting 50 yard line tickets for the Patriots than getting into that group.  I also think that your friend does not want to share woman with half a dozen guys at the same time.

I’ll admit a bias against younger couples and/or couples that haven’t been together very long who are in the lifestyle.  I’ve read and heard numerous other swingers and poly types talk about the strength of the primary relationship being critical to being able to share one’s partner with others.  I’m skeptical that a couple that has only been together for a short amount of time has forged that bond.  Let’s face it, watching your partner fuck someone else and like it, can be tremendously arousing experience, but it can also be the opposite and elicit emotions that no one expected.  I believe that a strong relationship with a solid foundation and good communication skills can cope with the unexpected, and that a newer, less “mature” relationship may not.  Not that it can’t, but I think the odds are against it.  I’m sure that some of you may disagree with me, and I’m comfortable with that. 

Veronica:  I agree.  Look at the drama we had with Dina and Derek.  I think that the majority of that spawned from the fact that they had only been together for less than 2 years and just moved in together.   It takes a real sense of security with your partner to share.  I think that the security can take years to build.

If I knew this friend that is looking for a swinging partner-for-life, I don’t know what I’d tell him.  In fact, I’m skeptical that he’s looking for a swinging relationship at all.  It seems like he’s more interested in casual sex with multiple partners and not being committed to any of them. 

Veronica: I think he does want to have his cake and eat it too, having the perks of marriage and the perks of single men. If he really wants to find someone who might be open to the lifestyle I would suggest that he look for an active bi-woman.  I think that a woman who is going to want to have relationships with both men and women will be more open to the concept of an open relationship.

Back to one of my readers specific questions, swinging does seem to be more for the already-coupled, to borrow her phrase.  I repeated that search on Swappernet, this time for couples, and found 196 couples.  Which an optimistic single man would point out if more than the single men, so his odds of finding a single woman are theoretically better than than a couples!

One thing I should mention is that in our [limited] experience, there is a bias against single men.  Many profiles state “no single men” or “single men, don’t contact us, we’ll contact you if we’re interested” or something similar to that, and clubs and parties either don’t allow men at all or strictly limit the number of men who can attend a given event.  My feeling is that many swingers are like Veronica and I and see it as primarily a couple-centric activity.

Veronica: However, we always make an exception for a nice single woman.  Or two.

That’s my girl!!

============================================================================

As always, comments are more than welcome, especially fellow swingers or people in other forms of open relationships.  Am I off-base with my anti-young couple bias?  What are your thoughts on this man and his intentions?

I have a question from another reader about infidelity in the lifestyle, but part of me feels like I’ve been down that road before and don’t really have anything new to say, so I’m not sure if I want to go there again.  If you’re curious about previous posts on the topic, just put “infidelity” in the seach bar over there on the left, there are several posts to read!

Be Sociable, Share!

•