Swing Shift Volume 29 – Maintaining Balance

Tagged with: Relationships, Swing Shift, Swinging, Swinging Advice

Jan 252010

Last week a reader who goes by the name Sarah [no blog to link to] left the following comment:

How do you and Veronica balance couple time without other parties with your swinging activities?

The reason that I am asking is that me and my partner have to work really hard to find time to go on dates (to museums, romantic landscapes, canoeing, dancing, etc.) and I don’t think that we could ever prioritize other (random in the sense that they are not active in the long-term in our relationship) people as much as we prioritize our time with each other.

It seems from reading both y’all’s blogs that you guys rarely seem to go out without a swinging activity or strip club being involved. (For example, your trip to Vegas…) I’m especially interested in hearing from Veronica. Thanks!

Thanks for the question, Sarah!

I think that finding “together time” is a challenge for any couple, perhaps more so for a couple with young children. For us, going on dates with others is just another part of that our life, sometimes it’s a high priority, other times it is not.

Veronica and I have always tried to maintain that spark in our relationship, to continue to “date” each other as long as we’ve been married. I can remember living in New Hampshire 15 years ago and a summer “date” would be nothing more than walking to a nearby restaurant, heading over to the local bookstore afterward, then finishing the night with a stop at Friendly’s for an ice cream cone (Veronica: mmmm, Friendly’s) on the way home. As the years have passed, the particulars of what we do on a “date” have changed, but wasn’t changed is that we continue to make the time for each other.

[Side note: The Poly Princess wrote a post the other day in which she mentions she and her husband finding some important couple time while wandering the aisles of Costco. See, it's not just us!]

I can understand where a reader may get the impression that other couples and strippers play a big role in our date nights, but keep in mind that for as much as Veronica and I share on our blogs and through Twitter, our readers don’t know everything about us.

Veronica: This is true. I mean does anyone really want to read about our trip to Best Buy where Hubman speaks intelligently about the electronics he has so thoroughly researched while I smile and nod? I don’t think so.

Our trip to Las Vegas is a great example of how we can balance the naughty side of our life with the vanilla side. Once the dates were set, a blog/swinger friend figured that she could join us for 2 of the 4 nights that we were going to be in Vegas. It worked out perfectly- 2 days and nights of fucking with a good friend, then she returned home to her family while Veronica and I enjoyed 2 more days of just the two of us. It was perfect.

Veronica: Yes it was. Can we go back to Vegas now, please?

Our “typical” date night lately is similar to that. She and I will go out for dinner to a restaurant, then spend an hour or two at a strip club before returning home. To be honest, we spend more quality time together doing that than on one of our old dinner and the bookstore dates. At the bookstore we’d go our separate ways and maybe not see each other until we decided it was time to leave. At a club, we’re sitting side-by-side pretty much the entire time, chatting, flirting, kissing, touching, basically extended foreplay for once we get home.

Veronica: Hubman and I have never gone in for “event” dates as we enjoy different events. If I want to see a ballet, or some experimental theatre, or Kathy Griffin in concert, I just go by myself, and if Metallica is in town, I give Hubman a kiss and send him on his merry way.

For us quality time is what you make of it. I find that we have some of our best chats in the car on the way back and forth from dates, whether its a swinger’s party or a trip to Best Buy. Having the two of us in a confined space without the distraction of kids, tv, or internet leads us to having some good and important chats. We also have our quality time after the kids go to bed. Even with the computers booted up we still find the time to connect while also sharing information on what we are reading.

And every once in a while, we will both escape from work and have lunch together, which is a great way for us to connect. And for me how we make the connection does not matter. The only thing that matters is that we DO make that connection.

So Sarah, that’s how we’ve managed to stay connected and find that time together over the years. I hope we answered your question [and didn't sound defensive in the process!].

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Whether you’re swingers, in an open marriage, or neither, is how we manage to find time to connect really that different from anyone else’s? Your thoughts and comments are always welcome!

If anyone has a question or idea for a future Swing Shift, you can leave it in the comments or feel free to e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com if you prefer to remain anonymous to my readers.

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13messages

I’d like to hear about your Best Buy shopping trips a bit more.

Nice post. I enjoyed the question and your responses to it.
http://polyprincess.blogspot.com Poly Princess

Thanks for the linkage! You two are fun. I’m glad I found you via Twitter. I look forward to following your adventures. I also like that you are thoughtful swingers. You take the time to tend to your relationship to make sure it has a strong foundation before you bring in others. Otherwise it would collapse. We played in the swing world before we become poly and saw too many couples swinging to save the marriage. Or the wife giving in and agreeing to swinging in order to please the husband or vice versa. That’s a topic I’d love to see covered sometime if you haven’t already. We see it discussed in the poly world frequently. How important is communication when it comes to having a hot swinging experience? I personally find that talking about what you want to do or what you have done to be a huge turn on. Thankfully I have a partner who feels the same. We’ve had many hot nights alone just talking about all the things we want to do to another person or couple. That’s a great way to reconnect sexually and keep updated on evolving fantasies. As we grow and change as a couple, so do our sexual desires. Damn, I should write this article! Fun Fun!!
kate

Great post, as usual. I love that you try to clear up a lot of the misconceptions people have.
Sarah

Thanks for answering my question.

I was not meaning to say anything that would make you feel defensive. Like 13messages above, I want to hear more about the best buy trips more.

I must be an unusual reader because I read your blog more to find tips about how to communicate well in a relationship than to hear about the swinging! I understand that this is a swinging blog though.
http://hubmanshangout.wordpress.com/ hubman38

13messages- trust me, they’re not that exciting! Except when Veronica flashes me in the home appliance section

Poly Princess- and I’m glad that I found you on Twitter too! Thanks for the compliments, we appreciate it. We actually have a post in draft right now about getting your partner to swing. Maybe next week…

About communication with the other couple, we try not to get into specifics with them, as I feel like that would take away from the spontaneity of the experience. We stick with communicating likes and dislikes in general. Is that what you meant?

Kate- thank you!

Sarah- You’re quite welcome, thanks for asking it in the first place!

I didn’t feel defensive, it was just that after I wrote the post, I wondered if someone might think I felt that way, so I threw that comment in.

I have no idea what my “usual” reader is, so maybe you are unusual
Maggie

I agree with Sarah’s comment, these posts are usually really good for communication purposes and you can apply it more generally than just swinging.

I think the only thing that is maybe different about how you find time to connect is that you DO find time to connect. Rather, that you even try in the first place. Doesn’t seem like a lot of people put forth the effort.
thepinkpoppet

Bravo! You conveyed very well just how important it is to stay connected and have couple-time and how easy it actually is to do so with a little forethought, planning and being willing to put in the effort. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate, drawn out thing, just bits of time here and there and a few chunks of time devoted just to each other. We always make time for those things that matter most. If we can make time for video games, favorite TV shows, a round of golf or whatever the case may be, we can surely make time for our mate, which should be at the top of that list of things to do. Hugs. ThePinkPoppet.