In numerous posts we’ve talked about boundaries and the importance of you and your partner discussing and setting them.  Volumes 2, 13, and 16 all dealt with boundaries in one way or another, if you’re interested.  A couple of readers (sorry, I can’t remember who in order to give credit where credit is due) have asked how we go about communicating our boundaries to others.  What’s the point of having boundaries but fail to communicate them to your playmates, right?  Off the top of my head, I can think of 3 ways to do so.

A well-written profile can go a long way towards communicating what you like and dislike (Volume 13 also covers profiles in addition to boundaries), but you don’t want to overdo it either, so it can be a challenge to include them without coming across as narrow-minded or overly picky.

As we’ve written before, we generally don’t play on a first date and prefer to just meet for dinner and drinks somewhere, get to know each other, and see if there is chemistry in-person.  Part of the chemistry and getting-to-know-you bit can help communicate boundaries, masked as likes and dislikes.  Remember Backed into a corner, about the couple I changed my mind about during the 2nd date?  While that couple didn’t work out, during the first date there was a snippet of conversation I can recall that is a good example of what I’m talking about.  During dinner conversation drifted towards good and bad experiences in the lifestyle, and the other girl talked about how one time a guy blew a huge load of cum on her face, which she liked, but could have done without some of it in her eyes.  I’m no dummy and made a mental note that should we end up nekkid together, she just might be amenable to me pulling out and cuming on her.  (Yes ladies, of course I would ask first, even if I knew she liked it!)  At the same time, Veronica quipped “Oh, I don’t like cum on my face at all.  Maybe a little that misses when he cums in my open mouth, but that’s it”.  If the other guy was a good listener, he learned 2 boundaries that Veronica has.

However, not all boundaries are things that you don’t like, oftentimes they can be things that only your primary partner can do with you.  Anal sex is a great example for us.  It’s no secret to longtime readers of my blog that Veronica loves anal sex and even recently learned what her trigger is to make her cum during anal (Note to self: write about that one someday).  On our profile we write “She is very curious to try a DP and is looking for the right man to help us make that happen” which could make another man think he has a shot fucking her ass.  But no, he doesn’t.  I’m the only man that Veronica has ever taken up the ass, and she wants to keep it that way.  If there’s going to be a DP, I’ve got the backdoor taken care of!  However, Veronica has no problem with me having anal sex with other women (yeah me!) so rather than somehow carefully craft a statement about our anal sex boundaries for the profile, we deal with it directly if it comes up.

We recently had a very nice 1st date with a couple and are working on arranging a second date sometime soon.  After that date, the following was part of an e-mail they sent us: “D would love to witness a DP with B and Hubman if Veronica is up to it?”  Part of our reply said “One thing, just so you know, while she loves anal, we’ve mutually decided that her ass is mine and mine only” to which they replied “Fully understand and feel the same.”  With that, we avoided any potential issues when we get together.

Veronica: The real challenge is how to communicate the boundary without getting ahead of yourself.  No one wants to have a profile with an extensive list of what you will NOT do, but you want to communicate those important boundaries about kissing, same vs separate room, or orifices before the clothes come off.   In our experiences in meeting people and reading profiles, we all seem to have the same boundaries, (Nothing involving pee, poop or pain is the standard issue we see in profiles). (Hubman: a LOT of profiles specify exactly those boundaries!) We usually try to be playful about what is important to us and hope that the others get the underlying message behind the humor.   There is also the issue of what is a boundary as opposed to a dislike.  I do not like to be bitten by people.  But it is not something important enough for me to put in a profile or mention up front since most people are not biters.  But when I do encounter a biter, I just smile and say, “No biting, please” and that is usually enough to stop the unwanted behavior.

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As always comments are welcome, about your own experiences with communicating boundaries.  Anyone have any misadventures about unknowingly crossing boundaries that you’d like to share?  Any lingering questions?  Also, future Swing Shift column ideas are always!  Feel free to e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.