That’s Veronica’s euphemism for calling ourselves sluts, though I prefer “manwhore” for myself. This brings us to this weeks topic, which was suggested by a reader via e-mail a while back. She has 2 main points/questions and rather than burden you with a 1500+ word post, we’re going to split it up over 2 weeks. She wrote:
I just finished up reading ‘The Ethical Slut‘ .. I think that was one of the book titles you guys said you read already? I plan on leaving it in the bathroom and see if I can get my husband to read a few pages..
His thoughts/feelings on being a ‘Slut’ aren’t very clear and for some reason we’re having a hard time talking about it together.. I underlined some parts of the first chapter that really stuck out to me and I’m hoping will be good points to bring up with my hubs!
“A subset of this myth is the belief that if you’re really in love, you will automatically lose all interest in others; thus, if you’re having sexual or romantic feelings toward anyone but your partner, you’re not really in love. This belief has cost many people a great deal of happiness through the centuries yet is untrue to the point of absurdity: a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.” – a quote on page 15 ..
What a great quote to someone that’s felt like they are crazy/strange/abnormal for feeling that way.. and maybe Veronica could chime in on the women’s point of view ..I guess it seems harder for me to have these feeling then if it was my husband bringing this topic up and trying to talk about it. It seems like the ‘regulars’ that hang around your blog have gotten past this part .. but for the lurkers out there (or occasional commenter like me ..) might be stuck on Chapter 1 .. in lots of areas of this adventure..
At one time I’m sure that I did write that we’ve read “The Ethical Slut”, it’s somewhere around the house, though it’s been a while since I’ve seen it and I can’t seem to find it.
Some people have trouble with the notion of a being considered a slut. I can distinctly remember a conversation with Veronica waaaaaaay back when we were first dating and we were sharing details of our sexual histories. Well, she was sharing hers, since I didn’t have one. Anyway, I knew that she had a half-dozen partners during her freshmen year at college and I asked, innocently I thought, how close in time any 2 of them ever were. I was curious if she ever slept with 2 different men in the course of one weekend. She reaction was less-than-cordial, let’s just say that!
Veronica: I thought you were going to be judgmental and my more active past was going to derail our budding relationship. That was the reason for any frostiness on my part. I thoroughly enjoyed myself with the people I fucked before meeting Hubman (and after). I would not even trade away even the bad sexual encounter, because without some bad sex, how can you really appreciate the awesomeness of great sex.
However I was very disappointed to learn that the double standard of male and female sexuality was alive and well in 1990. Thank God that this dosen’t happen any more and slut shaming died with the first Bush Presidency. *sarcasm*
Yes, I’m talking about the same woman who in the last year and a half has had one man in the mouth and another in her pussy on several occasions. The same woman who is looking forward to double penetration someday. Perhaps this is evidence that people, and their attitudes towards sex, can change!
Thinking about the word “slut”, I guess the bottom line is that I don’t really care what label someone uses to describe Veronica or myself. What I do know is that I love Veronica now more than ever, that we choose our extra-marital partners with care and respect, and never fail to remember that our primary relationship is the most important one. If we’re considered sluts or promiscuous by others, so what?
Veronica: Personally I think calling someone a ‘slut’ is so seventh grade. Hubman and I refer to ourselves as “Sexually Festive” or him as a “manwhore”, but it is done between the two of us with kidding and affection. Getting hung up on a label is something you really don’t want to do. I wonder if the husband is less hung up about the ‘slut’ label and more hung up about the implications of swinging.
Despite the assertions that ‘a ring around the finger is not a nerve block around the genitals’, asking your spouse to bring other people into your sex life is a loaded question. I don’t read enough other swinger, polyamory or open marriage blogs to know how everyone got there, but in our case it was a mutual decision that came after much discussion.
If Hubman had one day said, “Hey, lets try swinging” without any prior edging around the topic or at least some fantasizing, I would have been kind of insulted. And since we don’t know the couple in question who sent the e-mail we do not know how the topic was broached. However, I think that this would be one of the most carefully worded discussions a marriage can have.
I also want to comment on the idea about having romantic or sexual feelings for someone outside of my marriage. Many of my readers probably know that Southern Vixen is a great friend of ours. She and I were talking on the phone last week and at the end of the conversation, we said goodbye and “I love you”, “I love you too”. Hell, she and I have even shared those words while having sex, without Veronica around. Does that in any way diminish the love I have for Veronica? Of course not!
Veronica: It doesn’t because I know he does not love her the same way that he loves me. I also love SoVix, but I am not about to toss my marriage and go run away with her. (Although she does have warmer weather where she lives)
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Alright my friends, let’s hear it, what you do think of being called a slut? What do you think about our e-mailers situation with her husband and his attitude toward having multiple partners, thus making her a slut? Are swingers by definition sluts? And even if others think of us that way, does that perception bother anyone?
Next week we’ll address the second half of her message, which asked for thoughts about “starvation economy”, or the idea that a person only has so much love to give and if you share part of yourself with one person, other relationships will suffer. Looks like I really need to find my copy of The Ethical Slut and re-read parts of it!
