Swing Shift Volume 34- Starvation Economy

If you remember our Swing Shift column “We’re Sexually Festive” from 2 weeks ago, I mentioned that we’d address the second half of her message to us, in the next column.  So here we are, and here is the rest of what she wrote:

The other term they talk about in Chapter 3 is “Starvation economy”: “if you give some to one person, you must be taking some away from another..”
From what I’ve gotten from me/husband talking about opening up our marriage isn’t ever about the sex, .. it’s about feelings/love that might come up between the people we play with and that’s another thing your post made me think about .. the whole thing of meeting someone being friends and then the one night stand.. I think it’s scary to think that feelings would come up ..but then that’s what we’re kind of looking for too.. friends. And sometimes (with out even putting a label on it) you love your friends .. and that doesn’t ever seem scary unless you mix sex in with it .. ??
Does that even make sense? I’m sorry if I’m rambling. .. I wish there was a book club for these kinds of books .. and/or there were people in my life that I really felt comfortable talking these things with ..I guess i’m just trying to learn as much as I can to figure everything out and get my husband in the same place that I am with this..

One thing we should remind our readers, Veronica and I aren’t necessarily polyamorous, which is what The Ethical Slut is about.  As swingers, we’re more interested in finding friends with benefits, fuck buddies.  A poly person is also looking for love in that relationship.  (If that broad generalization irks any readers who are poly, I’m sorry, that’s just the easiest way I could think to say it.  Feel free to comment and correct me!)    We managed to rummage through the house and find our copy of The Ethical Slut, and there are two thoughts that jumped out at me:

You may believe that if someone else gets something, that means there must be less of it for you

When it comes to sex,  particularly sex with a romantic component, it’s hard for most people to believe that more for you doesn’t mean less for me.

I think those two thoughts succinctly sum up what we’re talking about here.  In some respects, this may be true, after all there are only so many hours in the day. I can certainly see how the time spent with another partner (or seeking a potential partner) can distract from the primary relationship.  Hopefully, you and your primary partner can find the balance that works for you.  I know it’s something that Veronica and I have had to work at (mostly me, recall Communication Breakdown, from last spring), and have gotten better with over time.

The authors use an analogy about kids that I think any parent can understand.  You have a child and you feel a love that you’ve never felt before, but then wonder if you can love another that much, you wonder how that love might change if you have another child.  Then you have that second child and find that not only do you love this child as much, your love for the first has not diminished in the least.  Why do we allow ourselves to feel this way about our kids, but won’t consider it in other aspects of our lives?

I think that a fear of feelings developing between swinging partners is a rationale one, but the best way to deal with it is openly and honestly.  Once again, I need to mention our friend Southern Vixen.  While the love we share, and freely express among each other, while more platonic than romantic (is that contradictory, since I’ve had more sex with SoVix than any other woman besides Veronica?), it doesn’t detract in the least from the love I have for my wife.  I think the key is that Veronica and I are secure enough in our relationship, not just our sexual/physical relationship but in our emotional relationship, that we can share ourselves without reservation.

To go back to the readers comment, the evolution of a loving relationship with someone who started out as a fuck-buddy isn’t scary to us at all.  By the way, SoVix reposted some pictures in the last few days, the clearest views of our faces that you’re ever likely to see on the blogosphere can be found here and here.

If emotional entanglements are something you really want to avoid, I suppose it’s fairly easy.  As we’ve written before, Veronica and I are looking for friends with benefits, a little sport-fucking on the side.  But there are plenty of ways to get laid in the lifestyle without that- hotel parties, swingers clubs, even just acknowledging from the outside to another couple that you’re looking for nothing more than some extra-marital recreational sex.  You don’t have to become emotionally involved to swing.  For some people, no more than “I like you, you like me, we find each other attractive, so let’s fuck” is enough.  And I’m not judging that approach by any means, since I’m done my fair share of exactly that!

Veronica: I think the key is the health of the primary relationship.  While Hubman and I enjoy getting some sexual kicks from our other partners, we are not looking to them for emotional support in any way.  Do we like our sex friends?  Absolutely.  Do we care about them?  You bet.   When some of our local sex friends have had issues like job loss, I have reached out to them and offered my advice.  If any of them were god forbid, diagnosed with a serious illness, I would be calling and offering to bring them some ziti.  Do they detract or distract from my relationship with Hubman?  No.  Could I love another man the same way I love Hubman?  I don’t think so as that kind of love takes years to build and most of the people we fuck are not looking for a relationship that lasts for years.

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After we published We’re Sexually Festive, the woman whose comments inspired that post (and this one) e-mailed me and thanked me not only for my thoughts, but for the comments left by my readers.  So please, comment!  I think there are a number of people out there who many feel like she does, like they’re the only one feeling they way they do, which couldn’t be farther from the truth, and your comments help disprove that notion.

As always, comments, questions and suggestions are most welcome! If you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com.  I have an idea or two for future volumes of Swing Shift, but am always open to new ideas or suggestions!

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