Getting caught- comments that make me think

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Mar 132011
 

April was the first to voice her concern:

What happens if her husband finds out? I’m so not judging or picking on you, I’m just curious to know how you’d handle that situation. Say he finds out who you are and calls you. What do you say?

T shares April’s concern:

Yes, I’d be curious to the answer to April’s question too.

Charlie takes the pessimistic when, not if, point of view

It would drive me mad, worrying about when the husband will find out.

These comments all came in response to Advantage, when I first introduced Katie.  This is something that Katie and I have actually talked about, she’s had a couple of other partners before me, but each of those were men were 1- or 2-time things, I’m the first man that she’s having an extended extra-marital relationship with.

I certainly don’t want her to get caught, both for my own purely selfish reasons (hey, I like her a lot and she’s really good in bed!) and because I don’t want to cause trouble in her home (yes I know, I could just not be fucking her behind her husbands back. Shut up). I never text her when her daughter or husband might see it and I’ve made sure that her hubby doesn’t have access to the account she uses to e-mail me.  She does have a social life with friends and coworkers that her husband isn’t part of (he’s not interested, part of the underlying problems between them), so it’s not really unusual for her to go out for a few hours some evening with “friends.”

Unlike Charlie I don’t think it’s a matter of when, but if we get caught, hopefully we’re careful enough that this is just a hypothetical discussion.

But let’s say Katie and I do get caught by her husband, what would I do? I think the angry husband confronting the man who’s been fucking his wife only happens in TV and movies, I’d be shocked to find him at my front door. And if I’m wrong, I’d play dumb, which some of you might think isn’t too much of a stretch for me.

Katie and I have never had a phone conversation, if I saw an incoming call from her you can be damned sure I’d let it go to voice mail. Generally speaking if I get a call from a number that’s not programmed into my phone, I ask who’s calling before I confirm who I am, so I’m not really worried about that possibility. “I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number, goodbye.”

Back to the question of what would I do if I was confronted by him? Part of me thinks that I’d take the “I think this is something between you and your wife” approach. Did I know she’s married before we got involved? Yes I did. And I also know that she created a profile on Ashley Madison and she contacted me, facts that I would remind him of.

But honestly, I don’t really know what I’d say, probably something about being sorry to cause him pain but that with all due respect, this is something that needs worked out between him and his wife.

What do you think, dear readers? Have any of you been caught in an illicit affair and if so how did you react? I’d love to hear from someone who found out that their spouse was having an affair, what would you say to me?

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  • http://confessionsofamarriedlover.blogspot.com Married Lover

    I have been lucky not to have been caught by my spouse, but one of the man I was seeing last year was. He and I would always text at night when he was working third shift. After nine months together, our texts became friendly conversations about what happened that day, etc. The day his wife found those texts, he forgot to delete them before getting off work, I was actually having a medical procedure. So when she called my number I was unable to answer and my outgoing voice mail is a generic message. I thought I was in the clear… she didn’t have my name just my cell number. Unfortunately, she made several threats to him (including sending their kids away) so he came up with a “soft” story about our friendship. He told her my name but that we had only met for lunches and conversations. For the next week I was actually nervous that she would call again or try to find me. She didn’t. If she had then I probably have gone with his version of the relationship and tell her that she should ask husband why he felt he could talk to a stranger and not his own wife.
    Have fun!
    ML

  • http://anothersuburbanmom.blogspot.com Another Suburban Mom

    I really hope that Katie does not get caught. The only challenge for her is to keep her secret (you).

  • emme0704

    Well, the pissed off guy showing up on your doorstep does happen in RL. As it happened to my grandpa – when he was fooling around with a married woman. And her husband showed up with a shotgun and one hell of a threat.

    But I hope that doesn’t happen to you….you don’t live in a small ‘you-know-where-everyone-lives’ midwestern town.

    Anyhooo – I hope it works out and she can keep the secret and not slip up….enjoy it while it lasts. :)

  • Just Me…

    My hopes are that you don’t get caught.. While it wouldn’t be a situation where ‘I’ll tell your wife about this!’ is a valid threat, I hope it’s the only one you might hear…
    Like emme0704, I have a relative that got caught with a married woman.. No confrontations at the home of my relative.. In this case, her husband followed her when she went to meet him.. The ending was not good.. Not good at all..
    Be careful.. :*)

  • Jasmine

    Yeah it’s not If, It’s When.

    Having an affair with random guys makes it harder to get caught, Having an Affair with just one person opens up the door to getting caught much faster and easier. When it’s many random guys it’s more spread out and random. But with just one partner you get comfortable and let your guard down.

    You don’t have to worry about the “I’ll tell your wife” But you do need to worry about your work and family. Your lifestyle could be exposed to everyone if the husband finds out and decides to dig. You might try to tell him to talk to his wife, but the thing is He’s not gonna blame her cause blaming her would be blaming him as well. He’s gonna blame you and want your head. He could take it as far as to even blame your wife and cause trouble for her as well in work and other fields. Then there’s the issue, what if he does blame Katie and gets Physical with her.

    Things can get very ugly very fast when it comes to cheating spouses and the such.

    Becareful, Like keep things away from your own workplace and your own private home. Keep it in neutral spots like hotels and the such. That why if the husband is following or has ways to track her, he can’t find your home or work and cause issues there. Family safety.

  • http://www.mendonfoodie.blogspot.com Mendonfoodie

    Hubman, you probably won’t like my comment, and you can tell me to stick it where the sun don’t shine, but you asked for our two cents. I do not think it is morally wrong to have an open marriage, I am definitely of the mindset that consenting adults should do what they please. But, your relationship with Katie is morally wrong. Her husband didn’t consent to an open marriage, and cheating is just plain wrong. Now I know you’re not the one doing the cheating, but you are a party to it. Go out and fuck whomever you please, including Katie. She just needs to tell her husband first, or leave him.

  • Livia

    I particularly agree with Jasmine, and do to a lesser extent with Mendonfoodie.

    I think the biggest risk on your side of this relationship are your kids and your professional life. You don’t know who the husband is or what he’s capable of, and who knows what he might get up to if he starts suspecting or finds out. I don’t know if I’d get too comfortable on, “well no one can threaten me with ‘I’ll tell your wife’ (because of course, Veronica knows all ;) because she isn’t the only person or thing you have to protect. So as long as you aren’t resting on those laurels and taking the necessary precautions at the same level as another would in keeping it away from his wife (which I think you are, but who can say!), I think you’re going a long way towards the prevention of, ah, well, messy situations.

    As for the moral question, I believe the onus is on her. While you are facilitating dishonesty by being involved, as Mendonfoodie suggests, I believe you were onto something in an earlier post when you said, “well she had this profile on a site catering to adulterers, what does that tell you.” What’s really unfortunate is that this is all going over the husband’s head, and that’s wrong. If he makes her unhappy and she’s looking for an open marriage, some conversation to that effect should take place. But gosh, when you say it like that it seems to make it too simplistic. But again, while you’re no angel in the situation (nor do you make any claims towards being so), the main burden of “bad guy” rests on her shoulders. You’ve taken care of yours, and in something as imperfect as this I think that’s all you can do.

  • Blore

    It is more likely ‘when’ than ‘if,’ and you really should have a plan. Something no one has mentioned is that the more she gets attached to you – and you’ve already told us that’s happening – the more she’s going to be tempted to tell him, either deliberately or in the heat of an argument. And others have made the very strong point that ‘Veronica won’t care’ is not enough to make you complacent. Your neighbors, your kids, your employers might very well care.

    There is a difference, both moral and practical, between swinging with like-minded others and participating in someone’s adultery. You seem not to have considered all the potential issues before crossing that line. The moral issue is your own business, but the potential practical problems are far-reaching enough to warrant more than the hope you’ll think of something to say when he comes calling.

  • Frances

    I’m not sure if you have read the post about how our others found out, so let me recap. The Mrs. picked up Daniel’s phone thinking it was hers as they had the same model. After which they had a long tearful conversation. She has never attempted to contact me (though we were friends before and she has my number) I told the man after this incident and far as I know he has never attempted to contact Daniel.

    All that said, I honestly believe the reactiOns vary. I think it’s entirely possible that a scorned spouse could end up on your doorstep. However, in my experience that didn’t happen. I completely agree with your “take this up with your wife” attitude, but were the shoe on the other foot, I wonder if, as unfair as it seems, I would take it out on the person my significant other was cheating with. It is often easier to blame the nOt present party. My husband does. He blames Daniel for “takIn advantage of [me].” no matter how hard I protest and say it was equal parts Daniel and I, he finds it easier just to hate him.

    *shrug* that’s all I got. Hope you found it pertinent and interesting. :-)

  • Frances

    I’m not sure if you have read the post about how our others found out, so let me recap. The Mrs. picked up Daniel’s phone thinking it was hers as they had the same model. After which they had a long tearful conversation. She has never attempted to contact me (though we were friends before and she has my number) I told the man after this incident and far as I know he has never attempted to contact Daniel.

    All that said, I honestly believe the reactiOns vary. I think it’s entirely possible that a scorned spouse could end up on your doorstep. However, in my experience that didn’t happen. I completely agree with your “take this up with your wife” attitude, but were the shoe on the other foot, I wonder if, as unfair as it seems, I would take it out on the person my significant other was cheating with. It is often easier to blame the nOt present party. My husband does. He blames Daniel for “takIn advantage of [me].” no matter how hard I protest and say it was equal parts Daniel and I, he finds it easier just to hate him.

    *shrug* that’s all I got. Hope you found it pertinent and interesting. :-)

  • http://www.mamastillwearsgucci.com Gucci Mama

    I would worry much more what happens to her if you two get caught than what happens to you, quite frankly. If the secret is exposed, it might be a little sticky for you for a minute, but you would essentially return to business as usual. Her life, at least from what I can tell in what you’ve shared about her, will implode. Are you prepared to deal with that? Will she have unrealistic expectations of you if/when that happens?

    Honestly, it’s difficult to see this ending well.

    • http://chptrtwo.blogspot.com BFD

      This was my exact thinking. If I were having an affair I wouldn’t worry about what my hubby would do to the guy I would worry about myself and the consequences of my actions. He would fight for the kids, the house, everything- and run my name into the ground HARD! He would maybe not be a physical threat- but in the moment who knows, but more so a long slow painful tearing of my life in many pieces.

      She needs to be prepared and have a plan for when this happens.

      • Jasmine

        Yeah exactly. He could ruin her good name, cause her family to disown her, make her out to be the bad one, And if he does get physical, I’m sure he could do some damage that she might never recover from.

        Is she gonna expect you to help her pick up the pieces of her life, whether it be help financially or emotionally? What will happen when her husband tells everyone that not only did you know she was married, but your wife even knew you were helping a married woman cheat.

        Like it has been said before your character will then come into play, the character of your wife as well. The husband can ruin his own wife’s life, but he can also ruin yours and your wife’s’ life as well.

  • Jasmine

    I was talking to my husband about this and he shared an experience he had to deal with when he was younger.

    When my husband was about 9 this woman would always be over at their house. She was a friend of his mothers. His father would take her to the store and help her out with house repairs, just being a good guy. Her husband decided that no, his father was sleeping with the wife. Both parties denied it, but the husband was convinced it was happening. He divorced his wife and began to cause issues for my husband’s family. First he called the cops on them for no reason, accused them of petty things. He even would come to my husband’s soccer games and cause problems there. My husband was only 9 and was basically caught in the middle of an adult issue. My husband quit soccer after being teased. His parents decided to sell their house and move, cause no matter how big a city is, news spreads and rumors swirl.

    You don’t know Katie’s husband and you have no idea what he is capable of. So becareful and like I said before, Even if you know Katie and like her and trust her, You still need to protect your family first, so keeping her away from your home, workplace, and family is key to protecting them.

    As for the moral issue, That is on you. I agree that yeah it’s not good karma to be the other man, but that is your karma to deal with.

  • http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com T

    Ugh. I hate having to read all of these comments and, sadly, agree.

    There is no “if”. Only “when”.

    When I had my affair, we were VERY discreet. But one “accidental” photo left in the wrong place, found me on the end of a bitter and horribly uncomfortable phone call with his angry wife. In all honesty, I believe some people WANT to be found out. Maybe they are not aware of this want… it could be purely subconscious. But in Katie’s case, she may have a subconscious need for attention from her husband and this could very well be the way she gets it.

    In my case with the upset angry wife, I pledged my apologies. I reminded her how much he truly does love her. I helped her to understand how it happened. I begged for forgiveness. It was difficult and very much a struggle when, even after she found out, we STILL couldn’t quit our affair. Thankfully time and life finally ended it. But even still, if I said I would do it again, he’d be at my doorstep in a heartbeat. Their marriage survived but his love/need/want for me did as well.

    When I found out about my (now-ex/then)husband’s affair, I did whatever I could to make them both suffer. And you know me, Hubs, I’m a really nice person. But I went to his office with the SOLE INTENTION of getting her fired. I broke all kinds of hell loose at his place of work and he had to deal with lingering embarrassment for years after (including our divorce.)

    Pain does horrible things to people and rage can take over in ways even THEY don’t expect. Her husband may be “checked out” now but he could check in really quickly if he feels like someone else is infringing on his territory.

    I am also still concerned with her feelings for you. This is a woman who longs for attention and adoration, like we all do! She is vulnerable to all sorts of feelings. I’d hate for her to begin to want more or demand more from you as well. “Boiling bunny” thoughts come to mind. You never know…

    Also, though there are lots of warnings from readers, you could still carry on with her for months or even years before anything changes. Just stay alert. That’s all.

  • http://aprilsrandomshowers.blogspot.com April

    Thanks for answering this question! I will say that I have to agree with what T has written.

    And as everyone else has said, that shit DOES happen in real life. When my ex found out about my affair, he made me go with him to the guys house. He confronted him and told his wife. It was absolutely horrible. The worst part was when the wife asked me where and I told her in their bed. It was definitely a life changing moment for me. The amount of pain I caused his wife was unbearable. I know her husband contributed to the pain as well, but I very easily could not have been a willing participant. Just like Katie, I had a profile on AFF, as did the guy. Surprisingly, his wife was not mean to me at all. She just asked me to answer her questions honestly, which I did. My ex even gave her my phone number just in case she thought of any other questions later.

    I also agree with T when she said that some people want to get caught. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true.

    I know thinking about what you would do is tough because really, it’s hard to say exactly what you’d do in a situation until you’re in it. It would really depend on so many things. How will the husband react? How will Katie react? I think telling him to talk to his wife is probably the best way to go for you. For him? Not so much. IF he confronts you in any way, he’s going to have a lot of questions that he’ll want answers to from YOU. Not from his wife. He’ll want to make sure that everything she’s told him is true. IF that situation ever comes up, my suggestion is to just try to put yourself in his shoes. After all, all you know about him you know only from what Katie has told you. That isn’t always an unbiased way to know someone, ya know?

  • http://chptrtwo.blogspot.com BFD

    Wow- great comments!

  • jam

    each situation is different. i’ve been carrying on an affair for over 10yrs. he and i are best friends. we keep our wits about us. play it cool. knock on wood. havent been caught. nor do he or i want to be caught. i would suggest having a conversation with katie. hope it works out.

  • Heather

    Yes we both got caught. Very, very horrible situation.

   

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