Swing Shift Volume 43- The Rules, Revisited

Once upon a time, several years ago, there was a blog called “Tales of a Swinger” written by a woman who went by the name of SwingerWife.  Her blog, a “Rules” post in particular, and later her friendship, where invaluable to Veronica and I as we were first dipping our toes into the non-monogamous waters. (I’d link to her if she was still blogging, she shut down her blog a long time ago.)

Veronica and I are occasionally contacted by someone looking to explore an open relationship and while we’ve talked about some of our rules in various Swing Shift posts, I don’t think we ever listed and explained them all in one place. So in the spirit of SwingerWife’s original Rules post, here are ours…

1) Communication – managing a non-monogamous relationship begins and ends with communication. From first sharing your thoughts and desires with your significant other to reconnecting after time spent with others, communication has to be a constant.

Veronica: Communication is really important for monogamous couples too, but its tantamount for the non-monogamous.  It’s also a good idea to appoint one person the communicator and the other person to keep track of the communications when it comes to dealing with others.  You should also actually schedule some time to catch up and talk as you are getting started in the lifestyle or are experiencing a dry spell or a very wet spell.

2) Boundaries – What your particular boundaries are is inconsequential to this post, what’s important is that you define them and make sure your partner understands and respects them.

Veronica: Its also ok to change your boundaries, as long as you discuss them with your partner prior to implementing the change.  After all, when Hubman and I first started opening things up, I would never, ever have let him have a regular sexual relationship with another woman without me.

Veronica: 2a) Balance- Being non-monogamous is an investment of time, money, emotional and sexual energy.  And if you are like most people when you start a new hobby or relationship you might throw all of your energy into it at the expense of other things.  You really need to sit with your partner and talk about how often you want to go out with others vs solo dates, and how much sex you want to have with other people besides your primary partner.

3) Safe Sex – pretty self-explanatory, no exceptions.

4) No Taking One for the Team – *Always* respect your partners opinion and desires and never push them to do something (or someone!) that they’re not interested in. Which leads me to the next rule…

Veronica: However you should be willing to discuss why you are not interested in someone or something.

5) Code Word – have one, and don’t be afraid to use it. It happens, you meet a couple online, get to know them a bit and decide to meet in person, but then there’s no spark, for one or both of you. Imagine this- I’m totally gaga over a woman but inside Veronica is crying for the date to end, she can’t imagine playing with the guy. What to do? Use the code word, or in our case the code phrase. No matter how I feel about the other woman, if I hear Veronica use the code phrase I know not to say anything to the other woman that would imply that I hope to see her again.

Veronica: But at some other time you should still talk to your partner about why you invoked the code word.  It might help prevent another date where the code word gets used.

6) Phone – through experience we’ve learned to insist that both women talk on the phone before arranging a date. Unfortunately there are “couples” out there that aren’t really, and usually it’s the woman who is missing. Having Veronica speak with her on the phone ensures that she’s really there and interested.

Veronica: I’m also bad at texting, but I give great phone.

7) Face Pictures – there have been occasions when we’ve met a couple without seeing face pictures, but they are few and far between.

Veronica: It didn’t seem to hurt with the couple we met on Friday…..

8 ) Changing the Rules – our rules aren’t meant to be broken but some of them, especially when it comes to boundaries, can be changes but NOT during play. If Veronica would like John to fuck her ass, asking me about that while Lynn is riding me isn’t such a good idea. Oh yeah, we never wrote that second post about them, introduced here…

Veronica: 9) Sense of Humor- Stuff is going to go wrong, cues will be missed, people will look nothing like their pictures,  you will get profiles mixed up and mention loving to eat pussy in front of the woman who is not the least bit bi, and mishaps will happen.  Being able to laugh about those things keeps you sane and helps you get back on the horse.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

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