Swing Shift Volume 46 – Condoms and Size

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Aug 012011
 

A woman I follow on Twitter posted something a few days ago asking about condoms and size. It seems she had a potential partner coming over later that evening and being a responsible woman she had some condoms available. However, she only had Trojan Magnums, the “larger than standard condoms” for the larger than average man. (Yes, she could/may should have had regular size condoms available but she didn’t, so let’s move on.)

Veronica: Personally, I think that if a guy is coming to play that he should bring his own condoms.  It’s good to have condoms around just in case, however, I am also the woman who brings a hostess gift to swinger parties, so it may be a thing I have about showing up to someone’s house empty handed.

The problem was, she didn’t know if he was in fact large enough to where one and she was concerned with how he might react.

Veronica: I’m thinking flattered.

Honestly, and I don’t want this post to be about my size but I need to mention it, I’ve wondered if I could/should wear a larger sized condom. Am I larger than average? Yes, I believe I am and I’m comfortable saying that (there might a couple of ladies out there who have remarked something to that effect…), but large enough to *need* a Magnum?

I’ve written before about having issues with condoms, whether it’s maintaining my erection while wearing one or having difficulty. Often I’ve attributed that to the setting (public play, usually) or a lack of connection with the woman, but I have wondered if condom fit contributed. Yes, condoms are remarkably elastic, but that completely discounts the issues of sensitivity and stimulation.

What if I pull out a condom in the distinctive gold wrapper and she’s like “oh yeah right buddy, as if you need that”

How about the opposite, she only has regular size condoms but he *needs* the Magnum?

I will say this- it’s the man’s responsibility, especially if he’s of larger size or if he is picky about brand or material (latex, synthetic, lambskin, ribbed, etc) to bring his own.

Veronica:  I think that if you are going to be meeting someone for sex you should bring a condom.  There is no such thing as being too prepared.

I came across a handy method for determining if someone is well-endowed, as least with respect to girth (which is really what we’re talking about when talking condom size) – if a guy can not insert his erect cock through a standard toilet paper tube then he may need a large size condom.

Veronica: I have a philosophy about shoes that carries over to condom.  It is the shoes job to fit me, not mine to fit the shoes.  If a pair of shoes makes my feet unhappy, I don’t buy them no matter how cute they are.  I think the same applies to a condom.  At the end of the day its your body and you need to wear what makes you comfortable.  If your partner can’t appreciate that or makes snarky comments about your condom choice, then you shouldn’t be fucking them. 

A note about comments on this post- as always I welcome comments including ones that disagree with whatever I have to say, but I don’t want comments about my endowment, or lack thereof, thankyouverymuch.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

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  • http://ellidragon.blogspot.com KaziGrrl

    I’ve wondered about condoms and sizing myself, figuring that if it were too small there might be a risk of cutting off vital blood supply and also the increased risk of breakage… I’ve always assumed that a guy goes through a trail-and-error period, finds out what he prefers, and bam… it’s really his ballgame so to speak (ha! you’ll find I’m big on subtle puns and baseball references).

    That said, I agree it is his responsibility to ‘carry his own’… the woman (unless she’s like, a professional) can’t be expected to keep an assortment on hand. I do think a woman should know how to put one on a man. And that all questions around this be dealt with while the clothes are still all on and before the passions flare to avoid nasty surprises.

  • http://www.singedwingangelspad.org Angel

    I think if the man is going to her he needs to bring his own protection. That saves any embarrassment on both parties parts in my opinion.

  • http://www.openmarriagelife.com Open Marriage Life

    I bring everything myself. I’m in control of the expiration date, the care of the packaging, the temperate in which it’s stored at, the material, and the content of lubrication etc. If what I bring doesn’t work for him then I’m more than willing to go shopping with him for something different. It’s a dangerous world out there, this is just another method of safety that I can contribute to helping me weed through the swamps of cooties. I’d rather know that the condom is safe instead of wondering if he’s someone who poked a hole in it or it’s been in his wallet so long that it breaks. Event though I got fixed for double back up, I don’t need any chances of anything slipping through, breaking, or falling off ;)

    xo

  • http://rubyarrow.blogspot.com Ruby Arrow

    I actually tell people that I will bring condoms, but only the “standard” version so if they have a favourite they got to bring their own :)

    And believe me – if I started to wonder if a guy was buying to large condoms for himself, there would be other issues to tackle than overestimating size ;) Then I probably wasn’t having a very good time…

  • http://rtws.blogspot.com Emmy

    Seconding “OpenMarriageLife”, I have a little “to go bag” with the lubes I like and condoms of various shapes and sizes. Why? Several reasons actually – Because I’ve learned over the past couple years that most men don’t know condoms. They use what they have always used whether they work or not. I have been with several guys who do need the larger sizes who confess to having issues with orgasming because of the condom use. What I have found is they are using the wrong condoms. Give them a better condom, and bam! All systems are a go! Same goes with lube in my experience.

    Another reason – I am an over-planner. I have had several condoms break going on before. Have a limited supply with you, and things can be over before they start. Have an extra stash, and no problems there. This philosophy has saved a playdate or two from an early end.

    Also I pay attention to expiration dates too – make sure they aren’t stored in heat, etc. What can I say? If there is an expiration, I pay attention to it. Plus, I’ve watched too many guys pull a condom out of their pocket where I’ve wondered (based on the condition of the packaging) where it has been and for how long.

  • Deliriumtree

    New to your blog, but wanted to thank you as this post was very helpful. I have Asperger’s and am in an open but platonic relationship (he is touch adverse). But, I haven’t figured out how to actually be open or date. How to be safe has always been a big concern. So far the men I’ve talked to online haven’t been open to even talking condom use. :( I’ve always wondered if I should have some of my own just in case, but I think finding someone who doesn’t give me reason to have cold feet is needed too. (So far I’ve ran from everyone.) But, I’m going to figure things out because I believe in me! I can figure this dating stuff out. And this helped so thank you! :)

    • Everett

      Hi,

      I just want to say that anyone that refuses to talk to you about condom use is very much someone you want to avoid. Especially true in an online dating scenario where most people, no matter how shy or uncomfortable speaking face to face, will feel much more open to talk about it via text.

      You are doing good to be cautious, and I can relate to the “How do I date?” question as I was in a 15 year long relationship with my High School girlfriend, and I only used a condom successfully ONCE in all that time (and we were multiple times a day sorta people) and when I left that relationship I now had to worry about STDs, and learn how to develop trust, or actually to NOT TRUST people for a while, I was so used to being with someone trusted. (leaving her was terribly hard, but the right thing to do, should have sooner).

      This brings me to the other point, condom sizes. . .

      I’m 8.2 inches in length and just under 6 inches in girth, and I’ve got foreskin. While even the smallest condom can probably stretch around my boot, even many of the large sized condoms are too snug at the base, as well as around the head for comfort, and for good sensation. I’ve struggled so much with these things that I sort of turned into a condom researcher.

      Here’s the cliffnotes version of what I know helped me to have better luck with them:

      *Get the right size
      *Use condom safe lube INSIDE the condom around the head of the penis and foreskin
      *Minimize down time between position changes, or make sure you keep the energy level up – getting hard while already wearing a condom is so much more difficult than without. I still tend to start without them in order to really get hard. . .which is a RISKY thing even if you know diseases aren’t a factor. Don’t do it!

      All these years I absolutely HATED condoms, I would actually rather not even bother with sex than try to use them. .and I really love sex, multiple times a day, but they were just horrible.

      They are often hard to unroll because the ring cuts in and this leads to rolling the unrolled portion of the ring at the base, preventing it from unrolling. The harder the erection, and the thicker the condoms, the less this is an issue, but remember how condoms are boner killers? Yeah, it’s hard to stay super hard while trying to coerce those horrid little things on! I think larger men tend to be a little softer and this is a double edged sword (heh) since not only is the ring tighter on them, but they are often a little cushier so it cuts in even more. Two things helped me with this.

      1) I would advise ladies not to just sit there and watch while your man tries to put his condom on, that break in the romance and excitement isn’t helping matters, especially if the condom is too tight and he’s got to struggle with it. Caress him, touch him, look at him (ideally not the condom application, unless you are gonna put it on him while touching him. . .just make it sexy, make it part of the experience, not a big awkward interruption while you watch.

      2) Get the right size condoms! I still feel all of them are too tight at the base, and larger condoms don’t really get much increase in size at the base vs standard condoms, but this is not a problem if the condom sensation is good enough to keep a strong inflow of blood.

      I need thin condoms, perhaps because I just love to feel my partner, and condoms stop that so much. All those years of barrier-less sex spoiled me

      For larger guys with condom issues I’d suggest the Bravo Wicked Large, the Durex Love, or if you gotta go to the grocery store and they have no selection, The Trojan Magnum Thins are probably going to be in stock, but I’m not much of a fan of them. They are still pretty thick, and the lube on them takes FOREVER to get off you (and it’s strong smelling) but these are much easier to unroll than most other condoms, and they are thin enough to get the job done, and probably more durable than most of the thinner condoms.

      I have also had some luck unrolling the condoms first, and then pulling them on like a sock with my thumbs inside them. I tried this back when the admonition was to UNROLL them and to discard them if you unrolled it while it was off the penis. . .well, do your own research there, just be careful. . .

  • http://missystarrk.blogspot.com/ missystarrk

    i am usually in possession of condoms…however…i feel like he is giving some thought to the situation if he comes prepared…and it does annoy me if he does not come prepared…i do not like not being thought of…in a nutshell…i have whatever i have…but, i still prefer that he brings his own…( yeah, yeah i said nutshell and come prepared…i know) kisses
    ps- i always have lube and vaginal contraceptives…

  • http://www.openmarriagelife.com Open Marriage Life

    I think it also needs to be noted that men are given a bad rap in relation to condoms. If they come with some then a woman often assumes he must have intended to get laid. If he doesn’t come with them a woman often assumes he isn’t safe. Men just fight a hard battle here. There’s just no reason to not help them out, and at least be prepared yourself. I bring lube too. How the hell is he supposed to know what my twat likes?

    xo

  • http://mlleaurore.wordpress.com/ Aurore

    I’m not a swinger but I always have condoms on hand.

    The one time I was with someone who required the Magnums he brought a handful when he came to visit. With casual partners, I’ve found many of them ask if I have supplies on hand and I always say if you have a preference please bring your own.

    Everyone needs to be responsible for their own safety. I can’t know every man’s preference so if something works better for you, bring it along.

    I was never worried they might bring along expired or poorly kept condoms but now that’s foremost in my mind thanks to these comments.

  • Maggie

    I am of the belief that everyone should have condoms and bring their own just in case, some people are really super picky about their condoms. Like Emmy, I have introduced guys to a different kind/brand of condom that works better for them just because I had it and said “why don’t you try something else?” Fit works both ways, they could be using something too big or too small (either way increases the chance of breakage!) and brands really vary. For long-term partners with fit issues you might try custom fit condoms for length/girth, I think you can still find them at Condomania, I know there was some great research coming out of Kinsey Institute a few years ago on those. It’s amazing how different things can be when you’re using a condom that works well for you. And whatever gets people to have safer sex, right?

    • Maggie

      Oh and I only specified long-term for the fit ones because you have to measure and order, which becomes a time issue that you don’t really have in a one night or short-term thing. :) But if you’re the guy and want to measure/order to be prepared, go for it!

  • http://amorouschick.blogspot.com/ Ashly Star

    I feel like it goes both ways. He should bring his own if he’s going somewhere and they didn’t talk about condoms before hand. And on the other side of the coin, she should have different types on condoms on hand if she has different partners coming over because condoms aren’t a one size fits all type thing. There are different sizes, materials, etc and there isn’t one that works for absolutely every one.

    I also think it’s no big deal to make that part of the talk before heading to where ever you’re meeting up. It’s not sexy by any means but there’s nothing to lose by asking if the person you’re going to see has the condoms that you prefer or will fit you and likewise no harm in saying, “this is what I have, bring some of your own if that won’t fit/work for you.”

  • ~k.

    I always have my own condoms and refuse to have sex without one. Usually, my partners don’t overlap, but I can sometimes make a quick switch from one day to the next. In this particular case, I only had larger condoms for a guy I was seeing for about a month, but he left to return home to Vegas before we could use the entire box. :(

    In the second case, this guy immediately followed “Vegas,” and we had been seeing each other for about three weeks and we’d used all my “regular” condoms. However, I thought that they may have been contributing to an issue with him not being able to reach orgasm while wearing one, so I considered the possibility that he may be slightly larger. I realized he just liked giving me facials, but before I could actually offer up the larger condom, it was over (last weekend).

    In the third instance, the guy was an ex from five years ago and I knew he wouldn’t fit a larger condom, but since I felt comfortable, I wasn’t worried about hurting his feelings by tossing it over to him. The condom ended up on the floor, unopened, last night.

    For the record, I will be going shopping for condoms very soon so I can bring some of each or just say, “Hey, there are some condoms up on that shelf. Could you grab one, please?” Problem solved.

    Thanks for all the input, guys. :)

  • W and K

    We always bring our own when we travel to play. We also have a selection of brands here at the casa de debauchery should someone arrive without their own supply.

    In a perfect world, we would all bring our own, whatever works for us: however… in this day and age of latex sensitivities, we believe that if you have an allergy or an objection to what I bring, then you should have your own supplies that you like. If you’re allergic to latex, then it’s up to you to keep a supply of polyurethane condoms on hand. It’s unreasonable to expect me to keep and bring a full variety of condoms (lubed, non-lubed, ribbed, studded, flavoured, spermicide, latex and non-latex). I bring what suits me. If you want something different, provide it and ask nicely. :)

    And yeah… I wouldn’t appreciate being handed a magnum – I know I’m not suited to a magnum so it would irk me that she appeared to be expecting a magnum-sized guy. (shrug)

    • Everett

      Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that most guys who aren’t “Magnum Men” are not going to respond well at all to getting the gold foil tossed their way. They are going to think:

      “Crap, I guess her last boyfriend was hung – and I’m just little old me” That right there probably is going to lead to feelings of inadequacy right from the get-go, and that never leads to good sex.

      Of course Magnums will probably work for a 7 inch long by 5-5.25 inch girth penis just fine too. . .the ring at the base is still fairly snug. Even if you are one of those women that says size doesn’t matter, EVEN then, even if you really do mean it, SIZE DOES MATTER to him, it’s strange, but visual scan studies have found that while woman look at faces and shoulders the bulk of their time when seeing a new person in a photo, men spend a bunch of time crotch watching! These are straight men doing this! Men size each other up, they judge themselves, they compare themselves to another man, and it may even be a very heterosexual thing for them (as in they do it to asses their OWN sexual desirability and potential).

      My point is, yes, tell him how you enjoy making love to him, how you love his penis etc, but even saying “I LOVE smaller size penises/Size doesn’t matter” could STILL make him feel uneasy.

      The frail male ego. . .it’s real.

  • http://www.whatsinaname305.blogspot.com Mr. No Name

    I am on the search for the brand that permits the most sensitivity. I find most to be boner killers. With my wife, I can go all day with a condom and no orgasm, with other women, I will often lose the erection all together.

    I would love any input on brand preferance.

    TTFN
    Mr. No Name

   

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