Some random cartoons from the depths of my files…
This makes my math-challenged brain hurt, but it’s pretty cool (assuming it’s correct!)
I’d never survive working in public schools…
I think this is fairly accurate!
A couple of my twitter friends come to mind with this one!
Be careful what you ask for if you got out to a bar this weekend!
For those of you who get irritated by your Twitter timeline
Lastly, I’ll be scarce online this weekend, which will it be?
It might go something like this (start from the bottom and read up)
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
9. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
NOW you know everything…
[I can't guarantee how accurate this list is, someone sent it to me in an email]
1 ) Nobody can open their mouth all the way and stick their tongue out past their lips.
2 ) 90% of you reading this just tried that
3 ) 100% just learned it was false
5 ) A simple majority of those people (51+%) laughed
6 ) Most of those people didn’t notice that we skipped number 4.
6 ) Most of them just went back and checked.
7 ) Most of them missed that we also skipped the number 2.
8 ) Got you again.
9 ) But did you catch us repeating 6?
10 ) You didn’t want to look, did you?
Stolen from a variety of sources
AFKM — Away from Keyboard, Masturbating.
BRBM — Be Right Back. Masturbating.
LOLM — Laughing Out Loud, Masturbating.
ROFFM — Rolling On Floor, Furiously Masturbating.
JK/M — Just Kidding/Masturbating.
WTFM — What the Fuck? Masturbate.
MTYL — Masturbate to You Later.
CTC — Can’t Talk. Crying.
IHTWBSAP – I Have Trouble With Basic Spelling and Punctuation
TOMTB – Taking Off My Training Bra
JEOMK – Just Ejaculated On My Keyboard
CILYIMBF – Can I Lock You In My Basement Forever?
NIFOC – Nude In Front Of The Computer
And my favorite
FMLTWIA – Fuck Me Like The Whore I Am
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’
Man: ‘That’s nice’
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’
Man: ‘No, thanks.’
Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man: ‘OK, how much?’
Boy: ‘$250′
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‘Dark in here.’
Man: ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?’
Boy: ‘$750′
Man: ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’
The boy says, ‘I can ‘t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’
The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Boy: ‘$1,000′
The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that….that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again; you’re in my closet now…
The next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn’t you like to respond like this?…..
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The lady behind him was crying as she laughed.
WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.
Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:
British Constitution
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
You’re right; I can’t jump over that table.
Look at the picture, then scroll down and see which group you belong to
For young men, it’s a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street.
The really observant will see the thong. (I guess I’m really observant 
)
For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.
The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at age 50.
Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..
Don’t be alarmed, I didn’t see the dog either.
Some juvenile humor to start your week.
I recommend turning up the volume if you can and watching through until the end to understand the post title
Goodnight tweeps - posted on 07/02/2012 22:41
