Fear Canada!

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Apr 232012
 

Why? Just look at these reasons!

canada

Ninety percent of population is massed within 100 miles of northern American border.

Seems not to mind that one of its provinces has turned almost entirely French.

Excessive politeness only makes sense as cover for something truly sinister. But what?

Citizens seem strangely impervious to cold.

Decriminalization of marijuana and acceptance of gay marriage without corresponding collapse of social institutions indicate Canada may, in fact, be indestructible.

Has infiltrated entertainment industry with singers, actors, and comedians practically indistinguishable from their American counterparts.

Consistently stays just below cultural radar yet never quite disappears.

Parliamentary government and common-law judiciary appear to function acceptably yet remain completely inscrutable.

Never had a “disco phase.”

Seemingly endless supply of timber, donuts, and Scotch-plaid hats with earflaps.

Keeps insisting it “has no designs on America” and “only wants peace.”

Plays a mean game of pond hockey.

===================

Really, is this a group of people we should be trusting?  On top of that, sleep with one of them and she’ll try to fuck you to death :-)

Cheers?

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Mar 152012
 

Short on ideas for hosting your next party? How about the Santorum? It’s a frothy mixture of Baileys, orange vodka, bitters, and chocolate flakes, which is the byproduct of being a ridiculous candidate.

On second thought, maybe I’ll just have a beer!

Click here if you don’t get the reference

Shit Swingers Say

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Mar 122012
 

Ivey Lane (remember her? she’s alive and doing quite well) sent me this link today.  It is spot-on, I swear Veronica and I have said probably 75% of the things mentioned in this.

Sit back, relax for 5 minutes, and laugh at the shit swingers like us say!

 

Toilet Texting

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Mar 032012
 

The results from a recent survey

I admit it, I’m part of the 91%.  I can honestly say though, I’ve NEVER answered or made a phone call while in the bathroom.  A pet peeve of mine? Conversations in the mens room at work.  It’s one thing to chat while standing at a urinal, but please, leave me be when I’m in a toilet stall

Happy Saturday!!

Mar 012012
 

These quotes were taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations.  I think we all know people deserving of at least one of them…
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

“Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has a delusion of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He would argue with a signpost.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”

“It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Grown Up

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Feb 092012
 

You’re a grown up if…

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can’t smoke a one of them.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up.’

10. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff.’

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you!

Damn, at least 12 of these apply to me!

Friday Funnies

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Feb 032012
 

Some random cartoons from the depths of my files…

This makes my math-challenged brain hurt, but it’s pretty cool (assuming it’s correct!)

I’d never survive working in public schools…

I think this is fairly accurate!

A couple of my twitter friends come to mind with this one!

Be careful what you ask for if you got out to a bar this weekend!

For those of you who get irritated by your Twitter timeline

Lastly, I’ll be scarce online this weekend, which will it be?

Jan 182012
 

Someone telling me that they appreciate me or something I’ve done. Seriously, seems so small but causes such a warm feeling.

When you forget it’s Friday in the middle of your work day, then as you are about to leave you remember. It’s like a miniature brain orgasm.

Hearing a new song and knowing I’m gonna like it.

Sitting on the grass on a slightly windy, but aggressively sunny day, knowing that I have no obligations whatsoever for the entire day.

Waking up on a day where i don’t have to go anywhere, and finding out that its pouring rain.

If it’s not cloudy, then looking at the stars and feeling both infinitely small and and infinitely worthy.

Waking up in the morning and realizing that I still have more time to sleep and being able to go back to sleep.

Falling asleep to the sound of rain outside my window

Being in a situation where some psuedo-authority figure is yelling/mad at you. Then suddenly you realise as an adult you can just get up and leave with zero consequences.

Smiling at a girl and getting the smile returned.

Coming home from a long day and taking my pants off immediately.

When I was younger I use to love watching the rain drops race down the window. I still do, I guess.

Being at the grocery store and realising that I, as an adult, can buy nothing but ice cream for dinner and no-one can say shit about it.

Napping uninterrupted. Bonus if it’s dark and rainy outside.

The first twenty seconds of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. I don’t care after that.

A good dog by my side.

I enjoy when someone says to me, “You look good today.” It really is the small things.

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Nov 262011
 

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
9. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

NOW you know everything…

[I can't guarantee how accurate this list is, someone sent it to me in an email]

Amazing Medical Facts

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Nov 132011
 

1 ) Nobody can open their mouth all the way and stick their tongue out past their lips.
2 ) 90% of you reading this just tried that
3 ) 100% just learned it was false
5 ) A simple majority of those people (51+%) laughed
6 ) Most of those people didn’t notice that we skipped number 4.
6 ) Most of them just went back and checked.
7 ) Most of them missed that we also skipped the number 2.
8 ) Got you again.
9 ) But did you catch us repeating 6?
10 ) You didn’t want to look, did you?

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