No reader submitted questions or comments to respond to this week (Even though we do have some to get to in the coming weeks, feel free to suggest a column if you’ve got an idea!).

Some of our readers might be under the impression that we’ve successfully navigated the open relationship waters with minimal challenges.  Well, nothing could be further from the truth, is this is where we share some of our mistakes.

Veronica: After all, its through sharing our mistakes, that we can hopefully prevent our readers from making the same errors.

Fucking in the living room

One of our first mistakes? With the very first couple that we swapped with!

Veronica: With B&K we made a few errors.  The biggest error we made was my having sex with B in our living room, while the kids were in their bedrooms, right down the hall.  Now Hubman and I frequently have sex in the living room, (hopefully tonight) and I rarely worry about the kids discovering us there, or if they every did, we would be embarrassed, but everyone would get over it.  However, mommy having sex with someone that’s not daddy?  Not such a good idea.  So now we bring our playmates into the basement, where we can shut the door and if one of the kids is making noise, I can toss on a robe and attend to them.

Although I hate to use the word error, we had a small issue when I let B come in my mouth.  Hubman and I had not discussed that particular boundary beforehand and when I mentioned it to him afterwards, he was unsettled.  This is why you always have to communicate.

Hubman: Sometimes, you think you’ve talked about everything, considered all that you would or would not be comfortable with.  Or maybe you really did, only to discover that you’re own reaction surprises you.  That’s what happened with me.

Veronica: However, I kind of give ourselves a break.  It was our first time and no first time is perfect.

Playmates meeting the kids

Veronica: Our general preference if for playmates who are parents.  We find that even if they no longer have young children, people who have children are more understanding to the scheduling issues that can arise when you are working with sitters and such.  However, when you do meet people with children, they can also have sitter issues so sometimes in order to be able to actually get to meet, or because we enjoy their company socially, we invite them over to hang out while our kids are awake.   The issue with this is one that is probably very familiar to our readers who are single parents.  Relationships don’t always work out.  Thankfully our kids have not asked, “Hey whatever happened to so and so?” but since it is a possibility, we generally avoid having our playmates meet our kids until we have a pretty established relationship with them.

Hubman: I think about Ned and Ann.  They came over for dinner, the kids met them, and then Ned and Ann were never seen again.  Fortunately the kids weren’t that inquisitive about what happened to our friends, though someday as the kids get older that’s going to change.  Since then we’ve become more cautious about our lifestyle friends meeting the kids.  Single parents who are on the dating scene, how do you handle when the kids meet a boyfriend or girlfriend? I’m curious.

Face pictures

Veronica:  This one is pretty obvious.  Sitters cost $15 per hour up here, so a date night can easily run us $45 before we’ve even ordered a drink.  Now I don’t mind spending the money and the date just not working out, or the chemistry being lacking, but hiring a sitter for a date that if we had seen a face picture (or a recent picture, cough slow unicorn cough) we never would have left the house for, really frosts me.

Hubman: Not that that’s ever happened to us.  Oh wait, it has.

Is a women there/interested?

Veronica: This also goes to the face picture concept.  If we all get together and there just happens to be no chemistry that is fine.  It happens and having everyone like each other and want to get naked with everyone can be more challenging than you might think.   However, getting together to find out that 1/2 the couple is being dragged into this, that is a wasted evening that Hubman and I could have spent just enjoying each others company.

Hubman: This one actually happened before we ever swapped, the day before we swapped with B&K, as a matter of fact.  We had just created our profile on a swingers website earlier that week and we were so happy that a couple was interested in us that we jumped at the opportunity without noticing the clues that were there upon reflection.  The funny thing about this particular night, it started our tradition of Dairy Queen after an unfortunate date.  Gotta get something good out of the night!

Since then, we’ve gotten pretty good at figuring out that a “couple” is really one, or at least she’s not aware of what he’s doing.  Which unfortunately happens far too often, as far as I’m concerned.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

No reader-suggested question or topic this week, this one comes from our own (mis)-adventures!

About a month ago we had a first date with a couple that had contacted us through Swappernet.  When we initially checked out their profile, I was kinda indifferent towards her.  It’s not that she was unattractive to me, it’s just that there was no spark, no “ohhhh, I’d like to get to know her!”  But that was based solely on a few pictures [hey, some people don't photograph well] and their written profile, and Veronica liked him, so after a few chats and a phone call between the ladies we set up the first date.

Veronica: I thought their profile was very humorous and she was a pretty blonde with a curvy figure.  It was enough to want a meeting.  Her texts were amusing and she gave good phone.

We arrived at the brew pub a few minutes after they did and meet them at the bar.  My initial reaction “this might be a code phrase date” as I immediately thought that her profile pictures were outdated because her appearance was considerably different from her profile pictures, and not in a good way.

For whatever dumb reason, not only didn’t I use the code phrase, but I totally acted like I was into her and even gave her a nice kiss goodnight.

Veronica: I had NO idea.  This was the date where I was recovering from a migraine and actually threw up in the bathroom during dinner.  After I came back from the bathroom did Hubman use the vomiting as an excuse to leave?  No!  We hung out longer and chatted with them & I let them feel me up in the parking lot.

At this point, I felt like I couldn’t back out, so I didn’t say anything to Veronica, even when it was time to arrange a second date.  I did tell her that while I wasn’t that physically attracted to her, she seemed like a nice enough person and that I would be interested in seeing them again.  Keep in mind, normally if we have a second date with a couple, that means we want to swap with them.  But I wasn’t sure I wanted to have sex with her.

Veronica: I also missed that.  I blame my getting sick and the last minute Christmas craziness on the miscommunication.

To be fair to Veronica, until this weekend I never shared these thoughts with her, so while her blaming the migraine is polite, it’s also unnecessary.  I failed to communicate how I was feeling.

A few days before our date, she texts Veronica to give us a heads up that she just got her period, but it should be gone in time for Saturday night.  Seemingly forgetting my lack of physical attraction to her, I go into optimist mode and think of how we could work around that, if need be.  A matter of hours before our date, she texts again to let us know that Aunt Flo has decided to hang around a little longer.  I text back to let her know not to worry about it, that I’m sure we can find a way to work around it.

What is wrong with me?

Honestly, I believe that I talked myself into thinking that I was more attracted to her than I really was.  Why, I don’t know.  [As I'm sitting in bed typing this, Veronica answered that question with "you wanted fresh pus-say".  She gets giddy when she's over-tired.  Thank you dear ]

We meet for dinner at a restaurant and spend a couple hours enjoying each others company. They are nice people and pleasant company, and while we enjoy the evening, there is still no physical spark for me.  But now I feel like I’ve backed myself into a corner and kinda resolve to take one for the team.  We return to our house and spend some time making small talk.  At one point I excuse myself to use the bathroom and Veronica gives them a little tour of the house.  While Veronica is showing them around our friend tells her that she’s not feeling too sexy, with Aunt Flo hanging around, and doesn’t want to play.

Relieved does not begin to describe how I felt!

Very soon after they left, I confided all of my thoughts and feeling about her to Veronica and she was completely understanding.  But what to do now?  It’s late in the game to go with the “we’re not feeling the chemistry” line, or maybe we could use the “we’re taking a break for a while” line.  While telling the truth, that I don’t find her attractive, is obviously an option, how to do that without being insulting?  It’s different that when we’re still strangers to someone online, look at their profile, and say “No thanks, we’re not interested”.

Veronica: I was surprised.  However, it is ok.  While I liked them I wasn’t feeling, “I must fuck them or I will die”.  I also do not believe in taking one for the team.  It is my opinion that it is harder for a guy to take one for the team than a girl, because I can always fake arousal and orgasm.  A man?  Not so much.

I am not worried.  Luckily for us their family babysitter is going on an extended vacation.  If they contact us again, I will concoct some excuse.   They were not rushing to get touchy-feely with us, so perhaps they were also not feeling the chemistry.

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So how’s this for a way to start the new year, huh?  Quite the situation I’ve created!  Please put yourself in my shoes, tell me what you would do under the circumstances.  Do we go with a white lie or find a way to gently tell the truth?

Assuming I don’t do something else dumb this week, suggestions for future volumes of Swing Shift are always welcome.  As usual, you can either leave a suggestion in the comments or e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Veronica: If you would like our he said/she said take on any other relationship questions, we are also game for that!