Last week I announced that Veronica and I would be starting a [hopefully] weekly column about participating in the swinging lifestyle and solicited your questions. For those of you who either e-mailed me or left comments, I’ll get to yours in due time. BTW, thanks to the always Sexy Sadie for suggesting the column title! And I’m always happy to have more questions, so don’t be shy! This weeks questions comes from a reader who e-mailed me, asking to stay anonymous:
In the world of swinging..How are couples who are married to others but playing together viewed? Is this something that should be talked about? Is it necessary to include this information? My initial thought is that it is important information that needs to be shared.
Reading this question, I thought of my blogger friend Wayward Wife. Her blog is invite-only, which is why I’m not linking to her. She is a married woman who is having an affair with another man, whom she participates in the lifestyle with. I sent her this question [maintaining the questioners anonymity] and asked for her point of view. Here is what she had to say:
If you are a couple that is married, but not to each other, or one of you is married and the other single, my best advice for you would be to not bring it up with anyone you swing with. There is a perception that swingers look down on cheaters, but I don’t have any experience with this in real life because my boyfriend and I (I am married, he is not) don’t reveal this information to people when we meet them in a swingers situation.
To be honest, we are rarely asked about our marital status when we meet people in real life at a club or event. Usually people just assume we are married and we don’t dissuade them of that notion or they just assume we are dating, which we are, in our own way.
On lifestyle websites, we are sometimes asked as part of the “get to know you” chatting that takes place with a woman or another couple, and we have a stock answer that we use for this situation, which also works well if anyone asks at a club. We tell them that we met on a swingers site about a year ago, and have been together ever since. If you substitute “married but dating website” for “swingers site” you pretty much have the truth, so it is an easy lie to stick with.
There is no way for anyone to prove that you are married or not. Some women or couples want to swing with other couples in more established relationships — ie, they want people to have been married for a few years, as opposed to just together for one year. If you encounter a couple like this, just move on, there are more fish in the sea, right?
The other issue with swinging as a non-married/cheating couple is a timing issue. Many women or couples want to get together on a Friday or Saturday night, when it is hard for cheaters to get away. We’ve solved this issue by telling people (if needed) that one of us often works nights, so are they free to meet on a Wednesday evening instead? As with the situation above, we move on if this doesn’t work out.
Now, the issue of where to fuck might be an issue if both members of the couple are married to other people. (f one is single, you use their pad, of course.) If that isn’t an option, coming up with an excuse as to why you have to go to the house of the couple you are meeting instead of your place (big angry dogs?) might work. Or, if you have an on premise club in your area you can go to, that solves that issue.
Veronica and I have not met any couples that we know to be in a situation like Wayward Wife’s, which is why I asked for her opinion. To be honest, I think Veronica and I would avoid getting involved with a couple that is married, but not too each other. Our preference is not just couples who are married, but who have kids as well. Let’s face it, kids pose unique challenges to anyone’s social life, naughty-minded or not. We’ve legitimately had to re-schedule or cancel dates because of kid-related issues. It’s our contention, proven correct by the infamous Ned and Ann, that other parents are more understanding than non-parents. It’s simply an issue of practicality for us.
Perhaps this appears hypocritical to some of you, based on my post yesterday about Veronica and I sleeping with married women in the past and willing to do so again. So why not a married woman and her boyfriend? It’s not so much an ethical issue as it is a drama-avoidance tactic. Getting together with a couple where one or both of them is cheating is inherently more risky that sleeping with a married woman. So to answer the original question, Veronica and I would like to know, if only because we would want avoid that situation. However,
I know that Wayward Wife and her boyfriend have had some difficulty finding other partners. I wonder if other swingers have figured out their situation and avoid them, as cute as she is. [I've met her, trust me...] Seriously, I think that hiding the fact that the couple was married but not to each other would be pretty difficult and all of the excuses about times and places would raise red flags. It probably would for us.
You’ll notice that none of our reasons for avoiding an adulterous couple are ethical. I know that some of you think that the “they’re gonna cheat anyway” excuse is a bunch of B.S. But it’s true, like it or not.
Yes, we’re quite possibly big ole stinkin’ hypocrites. Go ahead and point it out, I won’t argue with you.
(Veronica: Hubman covered this so well that I do not have anything to add. However I will be participating more in the weeks to cum. Also, if you have a question where you really would prefer a woman’s perspective, please make sure and let us know.)
