Swing Shift Volume 47 – Parting Ways

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Oct 032011
 

We got a great comment from a reader in response to Good Hosts Part III. Here’s Part I and Part II if you’re interested in the story behind the question.

You’ve written about how to say ‘No, Thanks’ after an ad and even a first meeting. But how do you end a thing when three of the four people had a good time? Absolutely, the fourth gets a veto. But the other couple think everything’s OK. Are you honest? (‘Sorry, but your cock’s too small.’ ‘Sorry, but you have bad breath’) Do you fudge? (‘Well, it just wasn’t as good for us as for you’) Lie? (‘We’re going on vacation. We’ll call you when we get back’) Just break contact without an explanation? You’ve broken with others after swinging in the past, and no doubt been dropped by other couples. How is it done?

After 3+ years of fucking other couples, we’ve been dumped, blown off, probably lied to, and done our fair share of the same.

In the case of Jack and Carla, we haven’t done anything. Shortly after the last time we saw them I sent them a message just saying thanks for a good time and that I hope they’re doing well.  There was nothing suggesting another playdate and we haven’t heard from them since.

I suspect that if we don’t contact them, that they won’t contact us either. I wonder if Jack figured out that Veronica just wasn’t that into him?

Veronica: I am not sure, as I think I was very polite and friendly.  I also think they are busy people and know that we are busy people, so I would not be surprised if they try something spur of the moment one of these days.

The reality of swinging, in our experience, is that many couples are looking for a hookup, but after a couple of swaps the newness wears off and it’s time to find someone new to fuck. Our swinging history is littered with couples we’ve fucked once or twice, maybe 3 times, but rarely more than that. Couples stop swinging, their relationship ends, they decide their done with us, whatever.

Veronica: I really think that while people are looking for friends and fun people to fuck, many people are into swinging for the variety and after a few fucks, the novelty has worn off.   However,  I sometimes wonder if it could be a couple feeling like since you haven’t contacted someone in a while that ‘the moment is gone’ and its too late to contact them.  Maybe I should try getting in touch with an old favorite and see what happens….

Who do you have in mind?

What we’ve never had happen is a couple come out and say “we’re just not into you”, though I’m sure that’s been the case.

So what will we do if Jack and Carla contact us again? I suspect that we’ll be “too busy” or “taking a break from swinging” and they will get the message. While honestly is usually the best policy, if a white lie gets the same message across without overtly hurting their feelings, we’ll do that instead.

Veronica: I agree.  I would rather white lie and be polite than to say something hurtful.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

 Swing Shift  2 Responses »

Swing Shift Volume 46 – Condoms and Size

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Aug 012011
 

A woman I follow on Twitter posted something a few days ago asking about condoms and size. It seems she had a potential partner coming over later that evening and being a responsible woman she had some condoms available. However, she only had Trojan Magnums, the “larger than standard condoms” for the larger than average man. (Yes, she could/may should have had regular size condoms available but she didn’t, so let’s move on.)

Veronica: Personally, I think that if a guy is coming to play that he should bring his own condoms.  It’s good to have condoms around just in case, however, I am also the woman who brings a hostess gift to swinger parties, so it may be a thing I have about showing up to someone’s house empty handed.

The problem was, she didn’t know if he was in fact large enough to where one and she was concerned with how he might react.

Veronica: I’m thinking flattered.

Honestly, and I don’t want this post to be about my size but I need to mention it, I’ve wondered if I could/should wear a larger sized condom. Am I larger than average? Yes, I believe I am and I’m comfortable saying that (there might a couple of ladies out there who have remarked something to that effect…), but large enough to *need* a Magnum?

I’ve written before about having issues with condoms, whether it’s maintaining my erection while wearing one or having difficulty. Often I’ve attributed that to the setting (public play, usually) or a lack of connection with the woman, but I have wondered if condom fit contributed. Yes, condoms are remarkably elastic, but that completely discounts the issues of sensitivity and stimulation.

What if I pull out a condom in the distinctive gold wrapper and she’s like “oh yeah right buddy, as if you need that”

How about the opposite, she only has regular size condoms but he *needs* the Magnum?

I will say this- it’s the man’s responsibility, especially if he’s of larger size or if he is picky about brand or material (latex, synthetic, lambskin, ribbed, etc) to bring his own.

Veronica:  I think that if you are going to be meeting someone for sex you should bring a condom.  There is no such thing as being too prepared.

I came across a handy method for determining if someone is well-endowed, as least with respect to girth (which is really what we’re talking about when talking condom size) – if a guy can not insert his erect cock through a standard toilet paper tube then he may need a large size condom.

Veronica: I have a philosophy about shoes that carries over to condom.  It is the shoes job to fit me, not mine to fit the shoes.  If a pair of shoes makes my feet unhappy, I don’t buy them no matter how cute they are.  I think the same applies to a condom.  At the end of the day its your body and you need to wear what makes you comfortable.  If your partner can’t appreciate that or makes snarky comments about your condom choice, then you shouldn’t be fucking them. 

A note about comments on this post- as always I welcome comments including ones that disagree with whatever I have to say, but I don’t want comments about my endowment, or lack thereof, thankyouverymuch.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

 Swing Shift  18 Responses »

Swing Shift Volume 45- Obligations

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Jun 062011
 

I received a cryptic direct message not too long ago from a friend on Twitter- “I’m about to get into a situation and I need some advice.. I defer to the master.. Got a minute?”

I’ll wait a minute for the laughter at the thought of me being the master to die down…

The basic gist of her situation is that she has found not one but two local fuck-buddies and was concerned about her obligation, if any, to let either of them know about the other.  For what it’s worth, one of the men is single, like my friend, and the other man is married but cheating.

I told her that she has no obligation to tell either of them about the other. I asked, she assured me that she always practices safe sex with each of them.  My opinion would have changed either she had been monogamous with either of them and the decision had been made to fluid bond and go sans protection, but that wasn’t the case here.

I think that a fair assumption when dealing with open relationships or swinging is that whoever you’re playing with isn’t just playing with you.

Veronica: I am going to agree with you here.  Unless you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, you are under no obligation to share any of your extra-curricular activities, whether it’s having another fuck-buddy or a mild Dairy Queen addiction, it’s none of their business.

Mmm, Dairy Queen…

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

 Swing Shift  5 Responses »

Swing Shift Volume 44 – Renegotiate

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Apr 172011
 

We received an e-mail from a reader about drastically changing boundaries. She also asked some very good questions about Katie, but first the swinging questions:

I’m a lurker reader and I enjoy reading about how you and your wife approach the lifestyle. I do have a question as I’m trying to help my friend with and was wondering what would you do. I’m sure this will never come up, but try and answer without saying, “This will never happen”

What would you do if your wife said no more solo play at all, that only threesomes?

What would you do if she said your time in the lifestyle was over, She wants to go back to be Mono?

What would SHE do if you decided you didn’t like her having male playmates, but you wanted to continue to be with other women?

My friend is in the last situation. They have been swingers for well over 5 years and now her husband doesn’t want to share her with men, But he wants to be able to play with other woman solo. And only wants his wife to play with woman if he is there to watch or join in.

The first 2 questions that she poses are pretty easy to answer, at least in theory- we approach swinging as something fun to do together, as sport-fucking (but not in the bedpost-notching sense), as a way to live out fantasies. Sometime in the past I’m sure that we wrote that when, not if but when, the day comes that either of us wants to quit the lifestyle, we’ll do that without argument. There may be some disagreement and discussion, but no argument. I love Veronica dearly and we’re growing old together, if she asks me to adjust our boundaries I would happily do that for her and I know she would do the same for me.

If she decided that she was no longer comfortable with my solo play, I would respect that.  While 3somes are harder to arrange, we’ve had several3somes with several different woman, believe me it wouldn’t be a sacrifice on my part to “only” have 3somes from now on!  Not too long ago Veronica called it quits with a unicorn that we had played with on several occasions and that went as I described- some discussion but ultimately no argument from here.

Veronica:  I also think that if I did ask to back off,  my asking to quit swinging or quit Katie would hardly come as a surprise since we talk a lot about where we are with swinging and Hubman frequently checks in with me about how I feel about Katie.  Hubman and I have taken mini breaks from lifestyle activities when we have busier with other everyday life demands, or when we have been frustrated by the people we are encountering (or not encountering).

The last part of the readers questions, about her friend, strikes me as extremely selfish. I read the e-mail out load to Veronica and her reply was “Are you kidding me? Could he be any more selfish?”  Given the extreme selfishness of his request, it seems to me that there might be some underlying issues with the primary relationship that need addressed before they continue with swinging.

Veronica: Since I don’t know much about the couple in question I really can’t make a fair and honest judgement, but on the face of it, he is a complete douchemunch.

Like I said before, she also asked some good questions about my relationship with Katie:

Does Katie know you are seeing other women? I know from experience that sometimes when you get involved with a “Ashley” situation they sometimes expect you to be with them and your wife. Does Katie know you are still swinging with your wife and have many other playmates? How does she feel about that?

Have you and your wife thought about asking Katie to leave her husband and become your second wife? A Poly home. That’s what we did and it has worked out amazing, even better when my husband’s second wife is extremely Bi and into me as well. :)

Katie does know that I see other women, at least as part as swinging with Veronica. My Ashley Madison profile clearly states that Veronica and I have an open marriage and implies that while I’m on AM there are other aspects to my open marriage outside of AM.  While I haven’t contacted anyone on AM in quite a while, Katie doesn’t need to know that my profile is still visible and I would respond if someone contacted me first, someone like Julie.  While Katie knows that she’s not the only one I might be seeing outside of my marriage, she’s taking the ignorance-is-bliss approach, and has told me so.

NEVER would I consider asking Katie or any other woman to leave their partner in order to join Veronica and I in a poly arrangement. While Katie’s marriage has its issues and is ultimately headed towards splitsville I don’t want to part of it.

Veronica: While I joke about really, really wanting a stay at home mom variety sister wife, I can’t imagine permanently opening up my home or my marriage to a third like that.  I am also not ready to live openly and if I have a triad like that, I am sure I could not keep it quiet for long.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

 Swing Shift  1 Response »

Swing Shift Volume 43- The Rules, Revisited

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Apr 102011
 

Once upon a time, several years ago, there was a blog called “Tales of a Swinger” written by a woman who went by the name of SwingerWife.  Her blog, a “Rules” post in particular, and later her friendship, where invaluable to Veronica and I as we were first dipping our toes into the non-monogamous waters. (I’d link to her if she was still blogging, she shut down her blog a long time ago.)

Veronica and I are occasionally contacted by someone looking to explore an open relationship and while we’ve talked about some of our rules in various Swing Shift posts, I don’t think we ever listed and explained them all in one place. So in the spirit of SwingerWife’s original Rules post, here are ours…

1) Communication – managing a non-monogamous relationship begins and ends with communication. From first sharing your thoughts and desires with your significant other to reconnecting after time spent with others, communication has to be a constant.

Veronica: Communication is really important for monogamous couples too, but its tantamount for the non-monogamous.  It’s also a good idea to appoint one person the communicator and the other person to keep track of the communications when it comes to dealing with others.  You should also actually schedule some time to catch up and talk as you are getting started in the lifestyle or are experiencing a dry spell or a very wet spell.

2) Boundaries – What your particular boundaries are is inconsequential to this post, what’s important is that you define them and make sure your partner understands and respects them.

Veronica: Its also ok to change your boundaries, as long as you discuss them with your partner prior to implementing the change.  After all, when Hubman and I first started opening things up, I would never, ever have let him have a regular sexual relationship with another woman without me.

Veronica: 2a) Balance- Being non-monogamous is an investment of time, money, emotional and sexual energy.  And if you are like most people when you start a new hobby or relationship you might throw all of your energy into it at the expense of other things.  You really need to sit with your partner and talk about how often you want to go out with others vs solo dates, and how much sex you want to have with other people besides your primary partner.

3) Safe Sex – pretty self-explanatory, no exceptions.

4) No Taking One for the Team – *Always* respect your partners opinion and desires and never push them to do something (or someone!) that they’re not interested in. Which leads me to the next rule…

Veronica: However you should be willing to discuss why you are not interested in someone or something.

5) Code Word – have one, and don’t be afraid to use it. It happens, you meet a couple online, get to know them a bit and decide to meet in person, but then there’s no spark, for one or both of you. Imagine this- I’m totally gaga over a woman but inside Veronica is crying for the date to end, she can’t imagine playing with the guy. What to do? Use the code word, or in our case the code phrase. No matter how I feel about the other woman, if I hear Veronica use the code phrase I know not to say anything to the other woman that would imply that I hope to see her again.

Veronica: But at some other time you should still talk to your partner about why you invoked the code word.  It might help prevent another date where the code word gets used.

6) Phone – through experience we’ve learned to insist that both women talk on the phone before arranging a date. Unfortunately there are “couples” out there that aren’t really, and usually it’s the woman who is missing. Having Veronica speak with her on the phone ensures that she’s really there and interested.

Veronica: I’m also bad at texting, but I give great phone.

7) Face Pictures – there have been occasions when we’ve met a couple without seeing face pictures, but they are few and far between.

Veronica: It didn’t seem to hurt with the couple we met on Friday…..

8 ) Changing the Rules – our rules aren’t meant to be broken but some of them, especially when it comes to boundaries, can be changes but NOT during play. If Veronica would like John to fuck her ass, asking me about that while Lynn is riding me isn’t such a good idea. Oh yeah, we never wrote that second post about them, introduced here…

Veronica: 9) Sense of Humor- Stuff is going to go wrong, cues will be missed, people will look nothing like their pictures,  you will get profiles mixed up and mention loving to eat pussy in front of the woman who is not the least bit bi, and mishaps will happen.  Being able to laugh about those things keeps you sane and helps you get back on the horse.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

 Swing Shift  4 Responses »

Swing Shift Volume 42- A Reader’s Dilemna

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Jan 312011
 

Last week I was e-mailing back and forth with a blogger friend who along with her husband is relatively new to swinging.  She brought up a situation that elicited some unexpected emotions, so with her permission I’m posting our exchange (she requested to remain anonymous).

So, there’s a swinger’s question for you… do you and Veronica always swing together or do you get to play on your own as well? How about Veronica? Does she have playmates that she can see without you? Have you two always met each other’s playmates before any playing occurs? We got together with A&B from the Christmas swinger’s party last weekend, and B (girl) had crashed and J was on the verge of crashing. A and I were still playing. C didn’t feel comfortable letting us continue while he went to bed (they had a spare room, where we were going to be staying), so he stopped us. A went upstairs to join B, and C and I went to our room, where I at least got some of his cock.

C’s uncomfortableness that night brought up a discussion about how he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel comfortable letting me fuck someone else without him there. There are just too many things that could go wrong. yada yada yada.

I found this way more upsetting than I probably should have.

Since you’ve been in the lifestyle longer than we have, I’m curious about your take on this situation.

The part of my response about Veronica or I playing alone isn’t relevant, here’s the part that is

The situation with A&B, it sounds like a scenario came up that perhaps you and C hadn’t considered yet. Veronica and I have 2 cardinal rules in swinging- respecting boundaries and no taking one for the team. C is your hubby and you HAVE to respect his feelings, if he’s not comfortable with something, it’s okay to discuss it (some other time than in the midst of play), but don’t push it or ask him to do something or allow you to do something. Give it time, Veronica and I have found that our boundaries have shifted the longer we’ve been open, as the travel stuff indicates. Maybe C will get to a place where he’s comfortable with separate play, but maybe not, and you have to be ready to accept that.

Veronica didn’t chime in on the original e-mail exchange, so she’s taking the opportunity now

Veronica: When Hubman and I started swinging we had a lot of rules.  Now we have very few. Having an open marriage requires a lot of trust and communication, and while you can’t anticipate every issue (although if you read all 40 volumes of Swing Shift before you dipped a toe into the lifestyle you might) you need to be able to set your basic rules and then have regular discussions about them.

For us playing alone, that opportunity came about due to Hubman’s work travel.  When we first started playing I was not at all comfortable with the idea of Hubman’s playing alone, but now I enjoy hearing about it and encourage his adventures.

How did we do, dear readers?  Any thoughts that you’d like to add for this couples consideration?

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

 Swing Shift, Swinging  6 Responses »

Swing Shift Volume 41- Cockblocked

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Jan 182011
 

Or, a tale of two attempted dates!

About a week and a half ago Veronica and I had a date with a very nice couple.   Attraction all around, good conversation over dinner, we have numerous things in common, really, we haven’t had a first date that good in quite a while.  Soon enough we made plans to get together again, clearly we all intended on ending the night getting naked together.

Then the text arrives…

“My UTI hasn’t cleared up yet.  I think I’m going to have to cancel. I’m so sorry!!”

Damn, cockblocked by a UTI!

Veronica: I was really bummed when I got the text, but as soon as I realized that the date wasn’t happening, I texted Sally, and told her I had a sitter and why don’t we get together.  Thankfully, I’m always thinking.

Now what?  We have a sitter booked, worse case is Veronica and I go out for dinner, it’s always nice when just the 2 of us get out for a quiet dinner without the kids. But what about Paul and Sally?  We haven’t seen them since last May but have stayed in touch and have talked about getting together again one of these days. Woohoo, they’re available and looking forward to seeing us again!

We make plans to meet at a local sports bar and watch the Patriots-Jets game and talk about coming back to our house afterward.  We enjoy the game (us more than them, they’re die-hard Patriots fans) and a lot of flirty banter and discreet touching, it was really nice to see her again. As the game is ending, they get a text from their 16 yr old daughter, who was supposed to be spending the night at a friends house.  She changed her mind, she wanted them to come pick her up.

Damn, cockblocked by a teen!

Veronica: At first I was worried in my usual paranoid way that maybe they did not want to have sex with us, but I got text from both of them within 1 half hour of us going home talking about how they wanted to rip my clothes off.  So we will have to rebook with them soon.

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The moral of the story?

Just because we didn’t have naked fun with friends, new or old, it doesn’t mean we didn’t have a great time.  We got out, spent some vanilla time with non-vanilla friends and had some awesome sex when we got home, just the two of us :-)

We’ve always maintained that swinging is fun, ‘sport-fucking’ with friends.  When it’s not fun, when finding playmates is more annoyance than anything else (and there have been those times), then it’s time to take a break.

If having an open relationship is adding stress to your life and isn’t fun, maybe you’re doing something wrong and need to reevaluate.

Veronica:  At the end of an evening, when things don’t go as planned, you just have to laugh.   If you can’t laugh then you need to re-evaluate your participation.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

 Swing Shift, Swinging  5 Responses »

Swing Shift Volume 40- Rookie Mistakes

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Jan 102011
 

No reader submitted questions or comments to respond to this week (Even though we do have some to get to in the coming weeks, feel free to suggest a column if you’ve got an idea!).

Some of our readers might be under the impression that we’ve successfully navigated the open relationship waters with minimal challenges.  Well, nothing could be further from the truth, is this is where we share some of our mistakes.

Veronica: After all, its through sharing our mistakes, that we can hopefully prevent our readers from making the same errors.

Fucking in the living room

One of our first mistakes? With the very first couple that we swapped with!

Veronica: With B&K we made a few errors.  The biggest error we made was my having sex with B in our living room, while the kids were in their bedrooms, right down the hall.  Now Hubman and I frequently have sex in the living room, (hopefully tonight) and I rarely worry about the kids discovering us there, or if they every did, we would be embarrassed, but everyone would get over it.  However, mommy having sex with someone that’s not daddy?  Not such a good idea.  So now we bring our playmates into the basement, where we can shut the door and if one of the kids is making noise, I can toss on a robe and attend to them.

Although I hate to use the word error, we had a small issue when I let B come in my mouth.  Hubman and I had not discussed that particular boundary beforehand and when I mentioned it to him afterwards, he was unsettled.  This is why you always have to communicate.

Hubman: Sometimes, you think you’ve talked about everything, considered all that you would or would not be comfortable with.  Or maybe you really did, only to discover that you’re own reaction surprises you.  That’s what happened with me.

Veronica: However, I kind of give ourselves a break.  It was our first time and no first time is perfect.

Playmates meeting the kids

Veronica: Our general preference if for playmates who are parents.  We find that even if they no longer have young children, people who have children are more understanding to the scheduling issues that can arise when you are working with sitters and such.  However, when you do meet people with children, they can also have sitter issues so sometimes in order to be able to actually get to meet, or because we enjoy their company socially, we invite them over to hang out while our kids are awake.   The issue with this is one that is probably very familiar to our readers who are single parents.  Relationships don’t always work out.  Thankfully our kids have not asked, “Hey whatever happened to so and so?” but since it is a possibility, we generally avoid having our playmates meet our kids until we have a pretty established relationship with them.

Hubman: I think about Ned and Ann.  They came over for dinner, the kids met them, and then Ned and Ann were never seen again.  Fortunately the kids weren’t that inquisitive about what happened to our friends, though someday as the kids get older that’s going to change.  Since then we’ve become more cautious about our lifestyle friends meeting the kids.  Single parents who are on the dating scene, how do you handle when the kids meet a boyfriend or girlfriend? I’m curious.

Face pictures

Veronica:  This one is pretty obvious.  Sitters cost $15 per hour up here, so a date night can easily run us $45 before we’ve even ordered a drink.  Now I don’t mind spending the money and the date just not working out, or the chemistry being lacking, but hiring a sitter for a date that if we had seen a face picture (or a recent picture, cough slow unicorn cough) we never would have left the house for, really frosts me.

Hubman: Not that that’s ever happened to us.  Oh wait, it has.

Is a women there/interested?

Veronica: This also goes to the face picture concept.  If we all get together and there just happens to be no chemistry that is fine.  It happens and having everyone like each other and want to get naked with everyone can be more challenging than you might think.   However, getting together to find out that 1/2 the couple is being dragged into this, that is a wasted evening that Hubman and I could have spent just enjoying each others company.

Hubman: This one actually happened before we ever swapped, the day before we swapped with B&K, as a matter of fact.  We had just created our profile on a swingers website earlier that week and we were so happy that a couple was interested in us that we jumped at the opportunity without noticing the clues that were there upon reflection.  The funny thing about this particular night, it started our tradition of Dairy Queen after an unfortunate date.  Gotta get something good out of the night!

Since then, we’ve gotten pretty good at figuring out that a “couple” is really one, or at least she’s not aware of what he’s doing.  Which unfortunately happens far too often, as far as I’m concerned.

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This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

 Swing Shift, Swinging  7 Responses »

Swing Shift Volume 39- One and Only

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Jan 032011
 

A couple of months ago I wrote the following, to accompany a Wanton Wednesday post-

There are many ways that Veronica and I share ourselves with friends and lovers
There is one thing I don’t share with anyone else, she wouldn’t have it any other way

If you looked carefully at the click-thru picture in that post, you might have noticed that Veronica and I were having anal sex.  The message is that while we do a lot of things when we’re playing with other partners we, like just about anyone else, have our limits.  A day or two after that post John and Ann, who are regular commenters on our lifestyle posts, e-mailed me-

If you and Veronica decide to bring back advice column part of your blog, I think that you could have a very interesting post about making decisions about what couples share with others and what they don’t. The underlying reasons are very interesting.

Well, since we did decide to bring back Swing Shift, what better way to start than with this suggestion?

Once upon a time, I convinced Veronica to try anal sex, she had never tried it with any of her previous partners and well, she was my first partner at all, so obviously I never tried it before either!  As much as we’ve both come to enjoy it, as we were discussing limits with others, she told me that anal sex is something that she wants to save for just her and I, no one else gets her ass.

Veronica, care to explain your rationale?

I leave it as your sole domain because I wanted to have something of my body that I do not share with anyone but you because I like the concept of some physical exclusivity amongst the sharing.  I do not limit you because if another woman wants to experience anal sex with you, I want you and her to have the freedom to do so.  While I am sure many of the men I have had sex with would like to fuck my ass, I do not feel that my not participating in anal sex limits the fun we have together, as they still have my pussy and mouth at their disposal.   I also think that you get a little kick out of knowing that there is a part of my body that no man (or woman with a strap on) can ever have.

Isn’t that sweet? :-)

It’s not that simple though.  She’s comfortable with my having anal sex with other women, plus she is interested in trying double penetration, which we mention on our swinger website profiles as a fantasy of hers.

In practice, these limits have not presented a problem- while I have had anal sex with several other women, only once was it during a full swap with another couple.  If the topic of anal play comes up with another couple, we leave no room for misinterpretation and let them know of our boundaries.

Veronica: However a ‘boundary’ does not have to be limiting; it can also be an opportunity.  For example, while I do not mind a little cum landing on my face in the course of Hubman cumming, I do not find the idea of a facial appealing (unless I am at a really nice spa and a mani-pedi is also involved).  However in the course of our play with other couples or solo, if a woman asked Hubman to cum on her face, then he is free to do, I wouldn’t mind at all.

Because of the Wanton Wednesday post we’re using anal sex as an example, but it really applies to anything, kissing, fellatio, cunnilingus, soft swap vs full swap, whatever.  Establish the limits you and your partner are comfortable with, share those limits with your other playmates as necessary, and have fun!

===========================================================

This is where we ask for feedback- do you have experiences you’d like to share? Disagree with anything that we’ve said?  Have we overlooked anything that you’d like to point out?  That’s what the comments section is for, so don’t be shy!!

Swing Shift started in June of 2009 in response to questions we received from readers interested in swinging and open relationships.  When we started swinging we had on-line friends who were our mentors, helping us navigate the open waters.  These posts are our way of paying it forward and sharing our lessons learned.  If you have a topic suggestion or question for a future Swing Shift, contact me at hubman38@gmail.com and indicate if you’d prefer to remain anonymous or not.  The full archives can be found here.

 Swing Shift, Swinging  5 Responses »

Swing Shift Volume 38- Crisis Averted

 Tagged with: , , , ,
Sep 272010
 
While the lack of encounters is partially my fault, its hard to listen to him talk about going out and having fun with a hot chick, while I’ve been doing laundry and helping someone with the finer points of wiping
I saw that in a chat between Veronica and a mutual friend and thought “oh crap”
I’ve written before about how sometimes I feel a little guilty that I’ve had more solo fun than she has.  That’s been due a combination of my work-related travel (and the opportunities that presents) and her honest lack of desire to play with others without me.  But sometimes the little voice of doubt speaks up and then gets quite loud when I see something like what she wrote.
So I sent her an e-mail:
Hi sweetie,
I was in your e-mail and looking at chats, since you mentioned blah blah blah and noticed this line:

“While the lack of encounters is partially my fault, its hard to listen to him talk about going out and having fun with a hot chick, while I’ve been doing laundry and helping someone with the finer points of wiping”

I asked you several times, most likely after each time I saw someone, if everything was okay with you, and each time you assured me that it was.  Is there anything we need to talk about?  If you weren’t comfortable with me playing with others while I was away, I wish you would have said something.
love you!
me
She quickly replied:
I was comfortable with you seeing people, I was just kind of sad and feeling sorry for myself when I wrote that as I had had a rough day with work and the kids.

If I didn’t want you to see people I would have said something.

A short while later we spoke on the phone (this was during the day and we were both at work) and she reaffirmed that the chat with our friend took place after a frustrating day at work followed by another evening of solo-parenting 2 kids and that I had nothing to worry about, that she was, and continues to be, perfectly comfortable with my playing with others.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- open and honest communication is the key to a successful open relationship!
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It’s been over 5 months since we last wrote a Swing Shift column and while I didn’t set out for this to become one, it seemed appropriate after I drafted it.
Thoughts, comments, suggestions for future Swing Shift columns?  Don’t be shy, we’d be happy to resurrect Swing Shift if there’s interest!
 Swing Shift, Swinging  6 Responses »
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